5-3

Wow, another barn burner at PNC Park. Thanks to the magic of CLTV I missed the game. Sounds like Dempster actually pitched pretty good. Unfortunately, Rod Beck’s mustache had the night off and Kerry Wood blew his first save chance of the year. I can hear the doom criers already. “Wah, I want Carlos Marmol to close. Wah.” One blown save. Big whup. Doesn’t change the fact that Wood has been filthy thus far. These things will happen. Most importantly, the Cubs outlasted the Pirates and notched the win. Last April, we’d have lost both of these games. This ballclub seems like a leaner, meaner, tougher unit than the one that walked on the field in April 07. That’s a full season of Uncle Lou, coupled with the jettisoning of most of our dead weight in the off-season. While one major chunk of flotsam remains (Do the initials RC mean anything to anyone?) the fact remains that this is a much improved ballclub. The early errors are a little frustrating to be sure, but I think that’ll stop. These guys are simply too good to play that poorly and they have a manager who won’t stand for the kind of sloppiness for too long before he explodes. It’s been a little shaky thus far, but it’s a far cry from the outright suckiness of last April. This keeps up and Uncle Lou won’t have to kick any dirt around to fire this club up. Ramirez’s slumbering bat is awakening, Derrek Lee thinks it’s 2005 again, and Fukudome is showing why he was pretty much Hendry’s only target this year. DeRosa and Soto have been solid. Once the weather warms up a little, Soriano’s bat should thaw. If we get all these guys working, hopefully they can cover for Theriot and Pie.

Let’s hope the boys can rip off a nine inning win tonight with Kerry getting right back in the saddle. Rich Hill needs to go deep into this ball game, folks.

DoucheNugget of the Week: Dustin Diamond

For a time last year, my wife was addicted to a couple of reality shows: America's Next Top Model, Project Runway, and the complete fucking disaster that was Celebrity FitClub. Since our cable in the bedroom was busted, I often read a book while my wife would watch this stuff. I happened to be flipping channels a few days ago and saw to my dismay that they've begun a new season of this wretched crap and for whatever perverted reason (ratings) they brought back perennial dickhead Dustin Diamond.

Do you remember this hosebag? If you're my age, you remember this:
We Actually Watched This Shit?
I Didn't Even Actually Do Any Drugs in the 80s

He's the skinny little douchebag on the right. While the other guys on the show were screwing the cheerleaders, he was home with his science kit, jerking off to pictures of the token black chick. While no one on this show has done much after it folded, loser boy was hit harder than most:



Aw, Screech So Sad

Unbeknownst to the world was that behind the sweet, dorky exterior of Screech, there lived the soul of a truly awful human being. This guy is completely repulsive. How after playing nothing but Screech on TV that this guy can be so incredibly arrogant just floors me. If you're Pacino, DeNiro, then you've got cred. When your biggest role was in Saved By the Bell: The College Years Goes to Vegas (and the sex tape you probably leaked yourself) then you've got no right to throw your weight around. Your ass shouldn't even be on TV at this point, you should be bagging groceries at the A & P and thanking Jesus you got that much. Smile when someone recognizes you and always doublebag the eggs. I had to sit through this crap last year and listen to this little pussy heckle a Marine Drill Sergeant. Are you completely out of your fucking mind? And then VH1 brings this dingleberry back for this season. Oh, he's 'changed'. He 'deserves' a second chance. Not with the Drill Sergeant, fuckwit. He ain't buying it and neither am I. This year, luckily for me, I don't have to watch it. (Nobody tell my wife there's a new season, please!) My only hope is that the Marine finally loses it and runs over Screech with a tank. I don't think I've seen anyone in more need of a serious beating. I mean look at this guy:

Fuck You, America

He thinks he's better than you, America. This guy. Seriously. Well, guess what chump. Your fifteen are up. Kindly shuffle aside for the next loser from some ancient TV show so America can get on with its lives. We don't need your kind around here.

4-3 or The Anatomy of How NOT to Win

Man, that was an ugly win yesterday. The Cubs did their best, but try as they might, they just couldn't lose that game. The only think I can think of is that they were trying to be kind to Pirates fans and allow them a win on their home opener. Double digits in men left on base, plus three bone headed plays, and the inexplicable loss of control by TR all conspired to turn an easy win into a 12 inning slog through the lineups. The only consolation is that we won the game thanks to some clutch pitching by Mr. Jonathon Lieber, who deservedly got the win. Jon, we couldn't think any more of you, unless you grew a really wicked Fu Manchu. Personally, I think all of the Cubs need to take after DLee and Kerry Wood and grow the full beard this year. Or barring that, a really rocking goatee. Some of these guys need some facial hair so I don't mistake them for 12 year olds. I'm looking at you, Ronny Cedeno. Maybe a nice mustache will help your aim. Nice throw, dickhead. There are some guys who need less facial hair. Hey, Reed Johnson: the nineties are over, pal. Either grow a mustache to go with that mouse you've got clinging to your chin or shave it all off.

Another day basking in the glory that is Kosuke Fukudome. I think he needs a little devil goatee. On second thought, K-Fuk, stay just the way you are. You're beautiful, baby. Geovany Soto had an excellent day as well. Starting to look like last year was no fluke for the big catcher. Take the day off, boys. Go to one of Pittsburgh's fine museums. Bang a few coeds. Anything to erase the spectacle of yesterday's, urm, victory. I hope it's all out of your system because I saw a bunch of guys who looked suspiciously like the 2004/06 Cubs out there. Let's not go there again, fellas.

155 to go.

3-3: Welcome to The Wonderful World of .500

Howdy kids. I missed the game on Saturday as it was my five year wedding anniversary. Luckily, I was able to get an update on the game from our waiter, a Cardinal fan named Fabio. Seriously. You can't make this shit up. Nice enough guy for a Cardinal fan, but Fabio?!? Holy shit.

Anyhoo, Cubs won that one thanks in no small part to the efforts of Kosuke Fukudome. Oh and Derrek Lee might have played a small part as well. I love that DLee has turned it up a notch. Must be the beard.

As for Sunday's game, DLee put his stamp all over this one as well. The biggest thing was El Toro Loco, who pitched his ass off for the second straight start. God Almighty, he looks good early. The Soriano home run was a nice sign as well. The bats seem to be warming up, which is good.

Who the fuck would've thought the Cardinals would be 4-1? This is a joke, right? Their pitching can't be this good all year, can it? And Dusty has the Reds playing good baseball. And Corey Patterson is hitting! The baseball! WTF?

And of course, the Brewers have been good.

Stay tuned. 156 nail biting games left to go.

1-3

Crap. So much for the first winning streak of 2008. At least the bats seem to be warming up a bit. Is it too early to say that Fukudome is an absolute beast? I think I'm turning Japanese over here. I really think so. If you get that reference you're as old-and as lame-as I am. Soto seems to be shaking off the early rust as well, impressive given that he has to master the pitching staff and play the most challenging position on the field. I think he's gonna be a good one. Once Lou gets the lineup ironed out and everybody swings into season form, we're gonna look pretty good. It'll be nice to string some consecutive wins together here in the first month, God willing. No panicking allowed here. Would The Shooter panic? Hell no, kids. He'd stroke his mustache, suck down a post game beer, and come back the next day. 158 games left to go. See ya Monday, suckers.

1-2

Holy freaking shit. if you'd have told me Ryan Dempster was going to notch the first win of the year, I'd have thought you were crazy. Surprisingly, the Canadian Carrottop pitched pretty well. In other news, Aramis Ramirez remembered how to hit the ball (Thank God. Rami, you were killing me, dude) and mustache-enhanced Kerry Wood tallied his first of many saves to come in a Cub uniform. The Brewers leave with the series win, but at least the Cubs didn't get swept. The Astros come into town for a three game set and the Cubs send Rich "Where's My Curveball?" Hill to the bump to take on Chris "Who the Fuck is That?" Sampson. Scintillating. 159 games to go, kids.

0-2

Well, shit. Geovany Soto and Derrek Lee hit bombs for the Cubs, but Jeff Suppan and the Sausage Slingers proved to be too much for the boys today. TR didn't have it today, plus the Brewer offense just rolled over the bullpen. So the Cubs are 0-2 to start the season and we're sending Ryan "Oh Shit" Dempster out there tomorrow to try and put a happy face on the series. 160 more to go. Hope they're better than today's effort.

DoucheNugget of the Week: Jose Canseco Part 2

Jeez, will this guy ever shut up? The more media attention this shithead gets, the longer he's gonna hang around. The asshole went on Letterman and said he doesn't believe Clemens used steroids. Since I'm pretty much going on the principle that the opposite of everything Canseco says is true, that would then imply Clemens in fact did do steroids. Case closed as far as I'm concerned. The has-been ballplayer again asserted that ARod nailed his wife. He also got himself involved in a pissing match with right wing lunatic Curt Schilling.

You might ask, why give this ass castle another DoucheNugget of the Week post? Primarily because I had to agree with Curt Schilling about something. Thanks a lot Jose, you creepy bastard. The other reason is because I found this picture of Jose molesting a Cub fan. I'm not sure who to be angrier at: Jose for being such a complete fucking moron or this poor kid's dipshit parents for allowing the SyringeStallion to touch their child.

Jose, I hope your dick shrank to the size of a Tic Tac. Could explain why your wife left you. Just a thought.

The Mustache Lives!

Rod Beck may be gone, but his memory lives on in the hearts of millions of Cub fans across the world. So does Rod Beck's mustache. A good mustache never dies, and The Shooter's is no exception. In fact, Rod Beck's mustache has a full time gig with the 2008 Chicago Cubs. The mustache's job is to hold Kerry Wood's shoulder tendons in place while Kid K pitches. Rod Beck's mustache is thrilled to be back in the big leagues after kicking around in the minors last year. The mustache's fondest minor league memory was the night it drank a 12 pack of Coors, won an arm wrestling contest, ate seven hot dogs and a plate of extreme nachos, shagged two coeds from Iowa State, and still threw more pitches the next day then Mark Prior threw all season.

The mustache is enjoying its new job, as it relishes working with Kerry Wood again. In fact, the mustache increased Kerry's testosterone levels to the point where Wood broke out in a full beard. Don't blame the mustache for the performance in Game 1, though. It's just there to hold things together. The mustache also wanted to give a shout out to its peeps: Rollie Fingers's handlebar mustache, Goose Gossage's Fu Manchu, and Bruce Sutter's neck beard. All hail the mustache, bitches!

Opening Day or Banzai!

Welcome to the 2008 Season Opener, boys and girls. what did we learn today?

1. Kosuke Fukudome can apparently hit major league pitching. The stud from Japan was 3-3 with a walk in his first official MLB game. I don't think he's gonna bat a thousand the rest of the season, but he introduced himself to Chicago in a big way.

2. Is there anyone else in the game of baseball with as much class as Ernie Banks? Maybe Hank Aaron, who made some nice comments during Ernie's statue unveiling.

3. People are already ignoring Bob Brenly's comments following Kerry Wood's bad outing. People like this guy. Get off the ledges, people, it was one fucking game. There's 161 to go. If Wood posts several bad outings this month, I fully expect Lou to make the change to Marmol, who was simply electric yesterday. Until then, everyone calm the fuck down. In case you missed it, Eric Gagne also blew goats yesterday as well. Somehow I doubt Ned Yost is going to pull HIS plug after one bad game.

4. Carlos Zambrano is money. Z-Money. El Toro Loco pitched like the off season never happened, picking right up where he left off in 07. If Zambrano continues to pitch this good, he'll hit 20 wins this year easily. Plus he looked absolutely filthy.

5. Even the Cubs can't win on Ernie Banks Day. Damn, that sucks. Everyone else can worry about Wood as closer. I choose to worry about the offense picking up where they left off in the playoffs. Granted, they ran into a Ben Sheets who had all his good shit working, but the Theriot/Soriano one-two combination scares me more than Wood as closer.

Still, it was just one game. I refuse to push the panic button after one game. There are 161 of these fuckers left. The division is still wide open. Our Japanese import rocked the house in his debut. Our ace lived up to his status, even if he did leave with forearm cramps. I can't wait for Wednesday. TR's up next and let's hope for clear skies and a Cub victory. Banzai!