MB's Neighborhood: My First Chicago Suspension

Man, can you believe this shit? A two game suspension? First of all, that fucking pitch was inside. If it were any more inside it would have brushed against my cock. Second of all, I never touched that fat idiot Vanover. He can kiss my ebony ass. Just one more case of the umpires having it in for MB. I gotta call bullshit. I'm gonna appeal this thing. It's a matter of honor, man.

At least we're winning. I'm working hard, trying to get back into shape so I can help out. Maybe Lou will let me pitch. I can't be any worse than that cracker Neal Cotts. He keeps walking guys, me and Ted Lilly are gonna take him for a drive.

MB's Neighborhood: Opening Day

Me and the fellas are in Houston to open the season. Woo-ee what a first game! We beat those rednecks good. Spring Training was pretty awesome, but it's nice to be playing games that count again. Did you see that double play I made? Now that was some sweet fielding. Of course the dick that runs this site puts up the pic of the ball I missed. Bet that play had all you Cub fans pissing in your diddies, huh?

One thing I have to say, is that this team needs more brothers. Don't get me wrong, D-Lee is cool, but in that non-offensive, Will Smith kinda way. And there's just loads of crazy crackers on this team, like Theriot and those little guys who play second base. I don't know their names, they all look kind of alike to me. I love those hobbitts though. Can you imagine if the Cubs had gotten Gary Sheffield? Me and Sheff on the same time, hah! We wouldn't have to play a game again, everybody be too scared to play the Cubs. Me and Sheff, that's crazy times two. That'd be some good times.

MB's Neighborhood: What's Up Chicago?

MB here. I can't tell you how happy I am be to be in this city. There were no black people in Texas, man. Seriously, cracker central. Now, I know that some of you may be a little scared to see me here. You've probably heard all the rumors and bullshit about my temper. That's why I'm here, man. I want to dispel some of the salacious attacks against my person.

1. The Bottle

Man, I wasn't upset that the fan threw a bottle at me. I was just pissed that it wasn't a plastic beer bottle. Who the fuck throws a water bottle? A real sports fan throws a beer. Cheap bitch. Throw a motherfucking bottle at me, I bust you one in the-whoo, sorry. Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean.

2. The Balls on the Field

I was seriously just trying to help the umps out. You know how they've got those little ball pouches around their fat waists, yet they're always running out of balls and the ball boys have to run back and forth all the time. I was just cutting out the middleman, making sure the umps had plenty of balls. Damn sure they don't have any between their legs, blind cocksuckers. Tell me what's a strike, you no-good jerkoff, I'll cut you-hey now, wow. Deep breath, MB. Just chill, man. I'm an Eskimo in an igloo baby. It's all good.

3. Jeff Kent

I don't understand this one. I called Jeff Kent a racist. So what? Jeff Kent is a racist. He's such a cracker there's a picture of him on the saltines box. He's the head cracker. He's also a dick with feet. Fuck Jeff Kent.

4. How I Tore My ACL

This was pretty stupid, I'll even admit. I got hurt trying to twist away from my own coach. But both me and Meachem heard that umpire call me a "fucking piece of shit". Todd Helton heard it, too. 'Interesting' my black ass. Winters is lucky I didn't get a hold of him back then. I'd have twisted his head off his fat fucking neck and shat in it. But not anymore. I'm rehabilitated. That shit just slides off me now. Sonofabitch. I missed playing time thanks to you, dickweed. How'd you like it if I poke your eyes out, take away your livelihood for a while, bitch? That's ain't how you talk to a man on the field, you worthless-easy, MB, easy. It ain't worth it. Sticks and stones, brother, sticks and stones.

5. My Run In With Ryan Lefebvre

Who really gives a crap what I did to some announcer? In Kansas City? Thanks for comparing me unfavorably to some guy who did crack. Man, I just get angry. You'd be angry too if your parents had named you after a damn board game. All growing up, motherfuckers coming up to me: 'Hey, Pictionary' or 'What up, Monopoly? Sorry, Parker Brothers, I guess you failed the Game of Life. You sank my Battleship, Connect Four.' You try dealing with that shit and see if you end up normal.

I just want to reassure the city of Chicago and Cub fans everywhere that all this acting up is behind me. My behavior has been improper and I accept the consequences. I ask my fellow ballplayers and the fans for their patience and understanding. Life here can be difficult for me, but I promise to be reasonable and use good judgment. I have served my time in anger management treatment. You deserve better from me. I can be better. I will be better. Who said 'Mousetrap'?! I will bust my foot off in your ass!