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Effectively Wild is your place for mediocre coverage of the Chicago Cubs, Chicago Blackhawks, Arsenal FC, and FC Kaiserslautern.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Please Don't Leave Carlos!

I know it's been quite a while since I posted here, but I already posted a Carlos Zambrano post on TMS and I still haven't quite vented out my spleen at the retards trying to run El Toro Loco out of town.

I only wish that Carlos himself could read these words, because I imagine he's feeling pretty fucking frustrated at the moment. Carlos has been the best pitcher on the Cubs' staff nearly every year he was in the rotation and this year he has not. He was derailed by some injuries that might have been preventable, but probably not. As someone with a back injury himself whose right sciatic nerve feels like someone poured a boiling hot vat of acid on it, I can only express my admiration for a man who can pitch with a back injury. I've barely managed to crawl out of bed in the mornings to go to a data entry job. But I digress.

I just want to say that Big Z is fucking awesome. When he's on, he's unstoppable. Not only can he pitch, but he swings the bat pretty good and is an excellent athlete. Any time he's had a problem or issue, he works to correct it. Over the years, he has matured and learned how to keep his temper under control (for the most part). I see a big difference between today's Big Z and the pouty childman of years gone past. If you honestly can't tell the difference, then you haven't been paying attention.

So when asshats like Paul Sullivan start rumors that the Cubs are looking to trade Zambrano and other douchetrucks pick up on it and browbeat the guy with questions about said rumor, it pisses me off. I'm sick of these reporters harassing my guys until they elicit the explosion they're looking for and then talk about what a hothead the guy being harassed is. Quit forcing the issue.

If all of this causes the Cubs to lose one of the best pitchers the team has had in the course of my lifetime, then they are truly stupid. Palin level stupid. And I will hate them forever for it.

Big Z, amigo, if you do get to read this, don't go. Fuck those guys. Stay and be our Z Money. Retire a Cub, if for no other reason then to piss the sportswriters off. And stay for me. I love you, man. In a totally platonic, bromance kind of way.

BallHype: hype it up!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Happy (belated) Birthday, Shooter

Mired in my own myopic depression, I neglected to note that Monday, August 3rd, was Rod Beck's birthday. Even though this site is no longer The Shooter's Lounge, Rod Beck remains the Patron Saint of Effectively Wild. So a belated happy birthday to the Shooter. There's a six pack of Coors Light on the Shooter Shrine in my basement. Cheers, amigo.

BallHype: hype it up!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Outlaw Nation

The Cubs were already dangerous and more than a little bit crazy, but all that would change when the Dark Stranger rode into town. Forget that "Behold a pale horse" nonsense, as this man was dark as pitch with a temper that could not be tamed. Let umpires and Gatorade dispensers be afraid, as The Bradley Gang is born. (Cue the Ennio Morricone music).

The Ringleader: Milton Bradley

The Right Hand Man: El Toro Loco

The Assassin: The Iceman

The Hired Gun: The Shooter

The Annoying Sidekick: Dempster Red

The Hard Cas
e: Coy "Lefty" Hill

The Gamblers: The Cajun Connection

The Big Boss Man: Sweet Uncle Lou

The Majors will never be the same again.

BallHype: hype it up!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Banner Day: Cubs Win Two In A Row, Send Cotts Packing

Today was a good day, unless you're a Gatorade dispenser. The Cubs won their second game in a row behind the effort of Carlos Zambrano, who got tossed out of the game after arguing a safe call with umpire Mark Carlson. After ejecting Carlson from the game, El Toro Loco whipped his glove against the wall and took a bat to the recently repaired Gatorade dispenser victimized earlier in the week by Ryan Dempster. Thankfully, the Cubs new arrivals, Andres Blanco & Jake Fox made an impact, as well as Reed Johnson, who hit a homer to give the Cubs the lead in the 8th.

Even better than the Cubs winning back to back games was the demotion of ineffective lefty reliver Neal Cotts, long the bane of this and other Cubs' sites. Some advice: stay gone Neal. Don't come back.

Paul Sullivan says the Cubs are becoming a team of outlaws with the umpires. I say Outlaw On, so long as they win.

BallHype: hype it up!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Koyie Hill: 12 Hits and Counting

Koyie Hill continues to hit the ball whenever he starts games. He's got 12 hits for the season in 13 games. Paul Bako hasn't sniffed the majors this year, having signed a minor league deal with the Phillies after his release. Maybe it's time to hang up the Tools of Ignorance, Gabor.

BallHype: hype it up!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

21-17: The Cubs Suck Donkey Balls

Okay, the Cubs are 4 games above .500. They have a better record then they did at this time last year. But sweet Jebus, even when they win it looks ugly. Holy Fuck, they got shut out by Joel Pinero the other night and were on the verge of being shut out two nights in a row until they managed to squeeze out one measly run in the 9th last night. I know Ramirez is out for a while, but with guys like Lee, Bradley and Soriano in the lineup, I still expect a little bit of offense. Lilly and Dempster both provided soild starts, only to get hosed by a complete lack of run support. In other upsetting news:

The Padres have agreed to trade Jake Peavy to the White Sox. It's now up to Peavy to decide if he wants to pitch in the American League or not. After all the Peavy to Cubs hype at the beginning of the year, it'll be such a joke to see him go to the South Side. All of Hendry's machinations and it's Kenny Williams who sneaks in to close the deal. According to Peavy's agent, Peavy is leaning toward declining the trade, but he doesn't take into account how much this will frustrate the fuck out of a great number of idiot Cub fans who somehow feel entitled to Peavy. Look for the deal to happen for that reason alone.

The Indians have put Mark DeRosa on the trading block. The Mets are interested, as are many other teams. There's probably no chance the Cubs try to reacquire him and even if they did, no way we could trade them the shitty package we got for DeRosa in the off-season. It would also require Jim Hendry to eat some crow and admit he made a mistake, which is about as likely as me winning a Mr. Universe contest (Like most bloggers, I'm fat and unattractive). I would try to get him back, as I think the Cubs could use both his versatility and his leadership in the clubhouse. It would also allow us to ditch Aaron Miles and use DeRosa at third and Bobby Scales to play second full time. Let the Cajun Hobbitt return to being a nice left-handed bat off the bench, a role he excelled in last year. The way this season is going so far, I predict DeRosa ends up a Cardinal or a Brewer, which will totally piss me off.

BallHype: hype it up!

Monday, May 11, 2009

Koyie Hill-11 hits and counting

Koyie notches another hit, another square comes off the board. Anyone miss Paul Bako yet? Didn't think so.

BallHype: hype it up!

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Koyie Hill-10 Hits and Counting

10 hits for Koyie Hill. 3 more squares come off the board.

BallHype: hype it up!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Koyie Hill Appreciation Society 2

As of April 26th, Koyie Hill has 7 hits. So 7 random squares have been removed. Viva Koyie Hill!

BallHype: hype it up!

Koyie Hill Appreciation Society

Welcome to the first KHAS Post. EW is thrilled that Koyie won the backup catcher job over the corpse of Paul Bako. Every time Koyie Hill gets a hit, we will remove a section of the included picture. Enjoy!

BallHype: hype it up!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

MB's Neighborhood: My First Chicago Suspension

Man, can you believe this shit? A two game suspension? First of all, that fucking pitch was inside. If it were any more inside it would have brushed against my cock. Second of all, I never touched that fat idiot Vanover. He can kiss my ebony ass. Just one more case of the umpires having it in for MB. I gotta call bullshit. I'm gonna appeal this thing. It's a matter of honor, man.

At least we're winning. I'm working hard, trying to get back into shape so I can help out. Maybe Lou will let me pitch. I can't be any worse than that cracker Neal Cotts. He keeps walking guys, me and Ted Lilly are gonna take him for a drive.

BallHype: hype it up!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

5-2: Seven Days Down

Well, it's been a helluva week thus far in the 2009 baseball season. The Cubs are 5-2 despite being without the services of Geovany Soto and having one of the worst bullpens I can recall seeing. Personally, I'd ship Neal Cotts, Angel Guzman and Kevin Gregg off on a Turkish freighter and see what I could scrounge up from the minors or the Japanese and Korean leagues to replace them. We've also seen the first incident of Milton Bradley leaving a game accompanied by a trainer, ably replaced by Stuntman Johnson, who absolutely robbed Fat Prince of a grand slam on Sunday. Let this blog join the rallying cry of those calling for Carlos Marmol to replace Kevin Gregg as Cubs' closer, if only to rack up numbers on Marmol-Nation.

There's also been a trifecta of tragedy in the opening week, as the Angels lost young hurler Nick Adenhart, killed meaninglessly by a drunk fuckstick who apparently couldn't have taken a cab. I hope you and your ilk rot a long time in jail, sir. Adenhart was the #1 prospect of the Angels system and had just pitched six scoreless earlier in the day. What a waste.

The Phillies were struck next, as longtime announcer Harry Kalas died before he was to broadcast the game Monday. My heart goes out to the Phillie faithful and their organization. I remember how my guts were torn out when Harry Caray passed away in 1998. Sometimes you don't realize just how much you get used to hearing these guys call the games year in and year out until they're gone. I never heard Harry Kalas call a game, but if he was half as loved in Philadelphia was Harry Caray was in Chicago, then he will be sorely missed.

Also on Monday, the baseball world lost Mark "The Bird" Fidrych, a pitcher for the Detroit Tigers best known for his colorful antics. I had heard of The Bird and noted that he won Rookie of the Year in 1976, the year I was born. Apparently he died in an accident at his home while working on a truck.

In addition, the Mets opened their new stadium last night and were beaten by the Padres. Suck it, New York. I wasn't even alive in '69, but you still irritate me. Pretty park though, with the Ebbetts Field touches. Too bad it has to be inhabited by the Mets. I did enjoy the cat on the field however.

Tomorrow, MLB honors Jackie Robinson as all players will wear 42 in honor of one of the classiest, bravest men to ever put on a baseball uniform. Or pants. I still believe one of baseball's best moves was to retire Robinson's number league wide. Now if only Marino Rivera would quit wearing it. I know you're one of the best closers of all time, but still. You couldn't wear Jackie's jock, Mr. Rivera. Let it go. I'd also like to see Roberto Clemente's #21 retired league wide as well, as a reminder to players that you need to be more than just good athletes, you need to be good men as well. Just my two cents . . .

BallHype: hype it up!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

MB's Neighborhood: Opening Day

Me and the fellas are in Houston to open the season. Woo-ee what a first game! We beat those rednecks good. Spring Training was pretty awesome, but it's nice to be playing games that count again. Did you see that double play I made? Now that was some sweet fielding. Of course the dick that runs this site puts up the pic of the ball I missed. Bet that play had all you Cub fans pissing in your diddies, huh?

One thing I have to say, is that this team needs more brothers. Don't get me wrong, D-Lee is cool, but in that non-offensive, Will Smith kinda way. And there's just loads of crazy crackers on this team, like Theriot and those little guys who play second base. I don't know their names, they all look kind of alike to me. I love those hobbitts though. Can you imagine if the Cubs had gotten Gary Sheffield? Me and Sheff on the same time, hah! We wouldn't have to play a game again, everybody be too scared to play the Cubs. Me and Sheff, that's crazy times two. That'd be some good times.

BallHype: hype it up!

1-0: A Promising Start

My wife has been sick lately, which is why I haven't been keeping up with this blog or contributing as much at Thunder Matt's Saloon, but I would be completely remiss if I didn't post something about Opening Day. El Toro Loco was pretty good against the hated Astros, despite a few shaky moments. He wasn't as sharp as he could have been, but he got the job down, escaping from a couple of jams. Carlos Marmol was a beast, Neal Cotts was scary, Aaron Heilman was solid, and Kevin Gregg coughed up a run, but still nailed down his first save as a Cub.

The offense jumped right in with Soriano and Ramirez homers to lead of the first and second innings. The Cajun Connection turned in the third run of the game when The Riot sacrificed in Mighty Mike Fontenot. Micah Hoffpauier drove in the 4th run and gave the DLee haters more grist for their mill. Geo caught a solid game and Milton Bradley turned in some spectacular defense. All in all, a great start for the Boys in Blue.

I wish I had Tivo, as tonight's game runs against the Blackhawks and my wife's favorite TV shows on CBS. Gee, I wonder who will win this battle.

BallHype: hype it up!

Monday, March 30, 2009

US-Candian Relations Fray

The Blackhawks sucked it up last night against the Vancouver Canucks. The 'hawks lost 4-0 and lost some of their composure in the 3rd in a series of silly fights that served to accomplish nothing. While I admire their fighting spirit, the fire didn't translate to anything useful on the ice as the Canucks easily shut out the home team. If the Blackhawks are going to make the playoffs, they need to play smarter and not let their frustration get the better of them. It's kind of pathetic when you have more men in the penalty box than are on the ice. It's one thing to fight to defend your teammates, but quite another to fight as a response to the embarassment being served up by the other team. The Blawkhawks did not look like a playoff caliber team last night. Hopefully, they can learn from this defeat and get their shit together.

BallHype: hype it up!

Koyie Hill Wins Roster Spot

The Cubs made a smart move by designating Robogripped catcher Koyie Hill the backup to Geovany Soto. Hill out hit the corpse of Paul Bako's career to secure the spot I thought should have been his all along. Hill calls a good game and is similar defensively to the older Bako. As a bonus, he can switch hit. Hill batted .381 in Spring Training this year, compared to Bako's .364 (aided mightily by a 4-4 game against Oakland, prior to which Bako was batting .231). Hill is also 6 years younger than Bako. EW is excited to welcome Koyie Hill back to the Cubs and has something planned to follow his exploits throughout the season. Expect it to be inappropriate and stupid.

BallHype: hype it up!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Sean's Number Five!

Some actual Cub pitching news. Sean Marshall is officially the Cubs' fifth starter. Excellent news in my opinion. Marshall's been solid and he's put the time in, doing everything the Cubs have ever asked of him. He's been almost traded seemingly a million times, his name coming up in talks for Roberts, Byrd, and Peavy, among others. He's been the long guy in the bullpen, done some set up, and worked as a spot starter. Rumor is he also helped build Jim Hendry's garage (where he keeps the man-fridge stocked with Ho-Hos and Ding-Dongs) and every week he waxes Ron Santo's car. He's also good to his mom.

Ever since Marshall and Greg Maddux cozied up to one another in the dugout a few years back, Sean has begun putting together solid performances and learning from the not so good ones. I think the Professor would be proud of his former pupil, now the Number Five in the Cubs' rotation.

BallHype: hype it up!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Just Thought I'd Share . . .

Not that I've been overly shy about expressing my political viewpoints, but I think the whole debate over whether President Obama is an American or not is patently ridiculous. Hate him if you like, that's certainly your right as an American. I've been saying for the past eight years that dissent is patriotic. I will defend your right to bash the President until my dying breath. But he is the President, he is an American, and he was legitimately elected. Respect the office, if not the man.

BallHype: hype it up!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Baseball's Back, Sorta

The Cubs played their first spring training game of 2009 yesterday, defeating the Dodgers 5-3. Micah Hoffpauir hit a go ahead grand slam in the 5th, which I'm sure will bring out the "Trade Derrek Lee" whiners in full force. I could see Hoffpauir making the team and taking on the role of Daryl Ward, only with a bit more playing time.

It was nice to hear some baseball being played again, even if the game was meaningless.

Ron Santo's birthday was yesterday. Happy birthday, Ronnie!

Did anyone else feel a little bitter that the Cubs played the very first spring training game against the Dodgers, who depantsed the Cubs in the NLDS last season?

BallHype: hype it up!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Hockey, Eh

This is ostensibly a Cubs blog, but lately I've discovered, or rather, rediscovered a sporting passion. Namely, Blackhawks hockey. Now, I haven't been into the Hawks since Tony Amonte, Eric Daze, and Chris Chelios cruised the ice, but ever since the Winter Classic, I've found my interest in the fastest game on ice rekindled. With a mix of young talent, like Jonathon Toews, Kris Versteeg, and Patrick Kane, and wily veterans like Marty Havlat and Nicolai Khabibulan, the Blackhawks are very exciting to watch. At the very least, its been nice to have some distraction from the seemingly endless drought of the baseball offseason. I've been somewhat reluctant to post on the Hawks, simply because of a lack of comfort with the intricacies of the game. I'm much more familiar with baseball, the current players and the lore of the past. As far as hockey goes, I know the guys the Blackhawks have now, some of the guys from the time period I mentioned above, and almost no knowledge of the history of other teams. At least I know who Wayne Gretzky is. He coaches the Phoenix Coyotes, right? He must be fabulously endowed, otherwise why would they call him 'The Great One'?

Anyway, to make a long story short, you may see some Blackhawks posts start popping up here. Don't be alarmed. And if you know more about hockey then I do, feel free to snicker and laugh at the newbee. That's okay, I understand.

The Hawks won last night, 5-3 over the Tampa Bay Lightning. I wonder if Jonathon Toews can bat lefty.

BallHype: hype it up!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Bonehead Moves: Backup Catcher Brouhaha

All right, here's the deal. Tattooed tough guy Hank White wasn't offered a deal and signed with San Diego for only 25 grand more than the Cubs paid for retread Paul Bako. That sucks. Firstly, Hank White rocks. Granted, the backup catcher is hardly the most glamorous of positions, but Henry Blanco had a solid season behind the dish for the Cubs and managed to bat a respectable .291. I wouldn't bet he could do that two seasons in a row, but I would be willing to bet that Blanco outhits Paul Bako this year. Or any other year.

Secondly, the reason Bako was signed was because he bats lefty. I know we're looking for balance and everything, but just because the guy stands in the left handed batters box, doesn't mean he's going to hit the ball. This is a ridiculous reason to sign a backup catcher, unless he's really good. The words "Paul Bako" and "really good" are mutually exclusive. You're telling me that Lou would really consider pulling Rookie of the Year Geo Soto for this goober to play pitching matchups? Highly doubtful.

With Soto firmly entrenched as our primary catcher, the only reason for the backup catcher to play is to give Geo a breather. The nature of the schedule isn't always going to allow Lou to play the matchups. Geo's workload and stamina are going to play a bigger role in what days he gets to rest. Thus I submit to you that the Cubs wasted $725K on Gabor Bako, when they already have the answer on the roster.

Koyie Hill is the best option at backup catcher because not only is he good behind the plate, but he can hit from both sides of it. He's useful in all matchups, so you don't have to worry about giving Soto an offday when there's a crappy matchup for your backup. There are two more reasons why Koyie Hill must suceed Blanco as the BC.

Only Hill has a sufficient legend of his own to match that of Hank White. Hill severed the fingers of his hand in a tablesaw accident and had them surgically reattached. After grueling therapy, he returned to the game and kicked ass last year for the Iowa Cubs, posting solid numbers. That's pretty damn cool, making him well worthy of assuming Henry's mantle.

The second reason is that Hill named his daughter Phoenix Ray. Giving your daughter a built in porn star name elevates you to legendary status in my mind. Here's hoping he beats out Bako for the job that should rightfully be his.

BallHype: hype it up!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Hill Sent to Baltimore

Well, folks, Rich Hill is gone. The once promising lefty hit the Sammy Sosa trail to Baltimore, joining former elite prospect Felix Pie. At least the Orioles seem to like our prospects. Hill had a great little run in 2007, but his head seemed to get in the way. At the very least, this is a low cost investment for the O's, who have to hope Hill pulls a Greinke and gets his head screwed on right. This was a "has to happen" move as Hill was out of options and the Cubs didn't have the luxury of giving him a starting job and hoping he could perform a "head from ass-ectomy". Good luck, Rich. May you be more like Oakland Barry Zito than San Francisco Barry Zito.

BallHype: hype it up!

Super Bowl Monday

Let me start by saying I'm not a fan of either team. (My NFL loyalties are mercenary at best, usually tied more to players who help my fantasy team than to actual franchises.) Still, as Super Bowls go, that was one of the best I've seen in a while. Since I didn't really care who won, all I was looking for was a solidly played, exciting game and the Steelers and Cardinals delivered. Santonio Holmes and Kurt Warner were both money in the 4th quarter, with Holmes emerging victorious. His catch to seal the deal was Highlight City, as was teammate Harrison's 100 yard interception. Warner and Fitzgerald delivered some fireworks of their own, but they weren't enough.

Was it my imagination or did all the commercials suck complete ass this year? The only time I remember laughing was the Bud Light commercial where they throw the guy out the window. The only other time I chuckled was during the Alec Baldwin Hulu.com commercial. And that wasn't much of a chuckle. Everything else was pretty unremarkable. More dancing lizards, whatever. If you're going to spend that much for a Super Bowl ad, you really need to try harder. And only a one second ad for the Miller High Life guy? Come on Miller. I love this guy and you tease me by only giving me a second of air time? Oh well.

BallHype: hype it up!

Friday, January 30, 2009

Too Many Changes

Hey kids, after a lot of thinking, I've decided to rename the Lounge. I still love Rod Beck and will continue to try and honor his memory, but I decided I'd like to give the site a more universal appeal. Therefore, the Lounge is dead and Effectively Wild is born. You can continue to count on the same great Cubs coverage (or lack thereof). The humor will remain the same, but I hope to make this site more than just a player tribute page. Basically, this is just what the industry weenies call a "rebranding". I hope that this site can get better in the future with more consistent posting on my part. Welcome to the Wild!

BallHype: hype it up!

Blow it Up

I've seen a plethora of open letters to Tom Ricketts, the would be owner of the Chicago Cubs. far be it from me to buck a trend. I have one wish to convey to Mr. Rickett: Blow Up Wrigley Field.

What's that? "Sacrilege!", all the baseball purists cry. "Never", trumpet the Chad and Trixie crowd. "Tradition!", the blue clad mob of die-hard crusty Cub fans scream. What the fuck is this, Fiddler on the Roof? Seriously, Wrigley Field must go.

Don't get me wrong, I love Wrigley as much as the next Cub fan. She's a grand old lady, a ghost from baseball's past. Her brick and ivy clad walls have seen the passage of time and the making of history. They have seen great players of the ages and seen baseball's color barrier fall.

But do you know what they haven't seen?

A World Series Champion. That's right, the Cubs have never won it all in the Friendly Confines. I don't believe in curses, hexes, goats, black cats, and other mumbo jumbo, but it cannot be denied that Wrigley has seen more than her fair share of futility.

Along with all that history, Lady Wrigley has also been ravished by the forces of time. Netting can't hold back this erosion forever. Cub fans, we need to come to terms with the fact that this place will eventually crumble to dust. We can choose to cling to the past or we can rise up and embrace the future. Mr. Ricketts, the choice is yours, but I for one would like to see the Cubs begin construction on a new state of the art ballpark, something to rival the scope and tradition of our venerable old ballpark, as well as icons like Yankee Stadium and Fenway Park. Let us forge not just a new ballpark, but a new winning tradition to go with it.

Time marches on. The years slide by. Other franchises have changed stadiums several times over while Wrigley has remained. She is a jewel, albeit a flawed stone now. Let her go gracefully into the shadows of the past and let us a have a new glittering diamond worthy and reflective of the new century. I say we begin construction of a new park, to be completed in 2015. As was the case for Yankee Stadium, let the All-Star Game be played one final time in Wrigley in 2014, the 100 year anniversary of her construction. Let us send Wrigley out in style.

Mr. Ricketts, I realize that you met your wife in Wrigley's stands. I know that you understand what being a Cub fan is and how important tradition is. But I urge you sir, to not just look to the past. Tradition is important, but you are the owner now, the steward of this franchise. It's up to you to not just honor tradition, but create it.

BallHype: hype it up!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

MB's Neighborhood: What's Up Chicago?

MB here. I can't tell you how happy I am be to be in this city. There were no black people in Texas, man. Seriously, cracker central. Now, I know that some of you may be a little scared to see me here. You've probably heard all the rumors and bullshit about my temper. That's why I'm here, man. I want to dispel some of the salacious attacks against my person.

1. The Bottle

Man, I wasn't upset that the fan threw a bottle at me. I was just pissed that it wasn't a plastic beer bottle. Who the fuck throws a water bottle? A real sports fan throws a beer. Cheap bitch. Throw a motherfucking bottle at me, I bust you one in the-whoo, sorry. Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean.

2. The Balls on the Field

I was seriously just trying to help the umps out. You know how they've got those little ball pouches around their fat waists, yet they're always running out of balls and the ball boys have to run back and forth all the time. I was just cutting out the middleman, making sure the umps had plenty of balls. Damn sure they don't have any between their legs, blind cocksuckers. Tell me what's a strike, you no-good jerkoff, I'll cut you-hey now, wow. Deep breath, MB. Just chill, man. I'm an Eskimo in an igloo baby. It's all good.

3. Jeff Kent

I don't understand this one. I called Jeff Kent a racist. So what? Jeff Kent is a racist. He's such a cracker there's a picture of him on the saltines box. He's the head cracker. He's also a dick with feet. Fuck Jeff Kent.

4. How I Tore My ACL

This was pretty stupid, I'll even admit. I got hurt trying to twist away from my own coach. But both me and Meachem heard that umpire call me a "fucking piece of shit". Todd Helton heard it, too. 'Interesting' my black ass. Winters is lucky I didn't get a hold of him back then. I'd have twisted his head off his fat fucking neck and shat in it. But not anymore. I'm rehabilitated. That shit just slides off me now. Sonofabitch. I missed playing time thanks to you, dickweed. How'd you like it if I poke your eyes out, take away your livelihood for a while, bitch? That's ain't how you talk to a man on the field, you worthless-easy, MB, easy. It ain't worth it. Sticks and stones, brother, sticks and stones.

5. My Run In With Ryan Lefebvre

Who really gives a crap what I did to some announcer? In Kansas City? Thanks for comparing me unfavorably to some guy who did crack. Man, I just get angry. You'd be angry too if your parents had named you after a damn board game. All growing up, motherfuckers coming up to me: 'Hey, Pictionary' or 'What up, Monopoly? Sorry, Parker Brothers, I guess you failed the Game of Life. You sank my Battleship, Connect Four.' You try dealing with that shit and see if you end up normal.

I just want to reassure the city of Chicago and Cub fans everywhere that all this acting up is behind me. My behavior has been improper and I accept the consequences. I ask my fellow ballplayers and the fans for their patience and understanding. Life here can be difficult for me, but I promise to be reasonable and use good judgment. I have served my time in anger management treatment. You deserve better from me. I can be better. I will be better. Who said 'Mousetrap'?! I will bust my foot off in your ass!

BallHype: hype it up!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

2009: Welcome Back to the Lounge

Hey kids, Arcturus here. It's a new year here at the Lounge and we're starting to gear up for the upcoming season. Hopefully, the actual season will be better than the offseason. Here at the Lounge, our good friend the Mustache has departed, leaving to go to Cleveland with the Closer Beard. Sadly, the Cubs chose to part ways with TSL favorite Kerry Wood. Wood is joined in Cleveland by utility wunderkind Mark DeRosa, whose departure opens a huge gap. And no, that gap isn't and cannot be filled by Aaron Miles, the white Ramon Martinez/Neifei Perez. The Cubs also added Joey Gathright and let Jim Edmonds fade into the sunset in search of greener pastures and seedier leather bars. Also departing will be the legendary Hank White and the not so legendary Bobby Howry. Hopefully, Jason Marquis will be the Rockies' problem in 2009, as he could be traded any day now. Hendry also added mercurial slugger Milton Bradley, who when healthy promises to be an exciting addition to the club, on and off the field. There are also rumblings of the sale of the Cubs finally coming to pass, so it promises to be an exciting year indeed.

With the assumption that Carlos "The Marmolnator" Marmol will be appointed the Cubs' closer, the Lounge has a new feature in the sidebar. Marmol-Nation will track our favorite fireballer's stats for 2009. Never fear, The Soto-Rooter will continue to highlight the offensive and defensive achievements of the Puerto Rican Teddy Bear, Geovany Soto. In addition, pending his physical, the Lounge will feature commentary from a special new contributor. I expect to hear from him Wednesday or Thursday.

It's a new year, and soon to be a new season of Cubs baseball. The Lounge will be back with a bang with more posts, more douchenuggets, and gayer than ever. Happy 2009!

BallHype: hype it up!