R.I.P. Rod Beck

R.I.P., buddy. I miss you.

Viva La Mustache

We haven't heard from Rod Beck's Mustache in a while. Turns out he ended up in a Tijuana prison after an all night bender with Kerry Wood's Closer Beard in LA. Apparently there was some property damage at a donkey show and some farmer's daughter ended up pregnant or something. There was gunfire involved, but it was all directed skyward. Par for the course for the mustache. Not to fear, Cubs' brass have paid the fines and arranged for an adoption in nine months, so the mustache is currently winging his way back to Chicago. He was not, repeat, not in Austin and has never spent any time with Cedric Benson.

The Mustache Lives!

Rod Beck may be gone, but his memory lives on in the hearts of millions of Cub fans across the world. So does Rod Beck's mustache. A good mustache never dies, and The Shooter's is no exception. In fact, Rod Beck's mustache has a full time gig with the 2008 Chicago Cubs. The mustache's job is to hold Kerry Wood's shoulder tendons in place while Kid K pitches. Rod Beck's mustache is thrilled to be back in the big leagues after kicking around in the minors last year. The mustache's fondest minor league memory was the night it drank a 12 pack of Coors, won an arm wrestling contest, ate seven hot dogs and a plate of extreme nachos, shagged two coeds from Iowa State, and still threw more pitches the next day then Mark Prior threw all season.

The mustache is enjoying its new job, as it relishes working with Kerry Wood again. In fact, the mustache increased Kerry's testosterone levels to the point where Wood broke out in a full beard. Don't blame the mustache for the performance in Game 1, though. It's just there to hold things together. The mustache also wanted to give a shout out to its peeps: Rollie Fingers's handlebar mustache, Goose Gossage's Fu Manchu, and Bruce Sutter's neck beard. All hail the mustache, bitches!