Mustache Rides, August 19th, 2008

Hey douchebags, The Mustache is back. The Poet's still busy at his 9-5 job, so I'm here to stir things up. In case you haven't noticed, I'm employed again as Kerry Wood has returned from blister hell to resume closing for your Chicago Cubs. So the ol' Hairball is back in action as well, keeping that shoulder tendon of Woody's nice and strong. The pay is good and the brew and the bitches are flowing.

Me and the Closer Beard have been watching the Olympics the past week or so. Pretty sweet job by that Phelps kid. USA all the way. My favorite sport is the beach volleyball. What'd you think I was gonna say, gymnastics? Sun, sand, and tiny bikinis, that's the way to go. Sit me down at the end with cold bucket of brews and that's the perfect day for the 'Stache. Here's what's shaking . . .

http://epicnomz.com/blog/?p=11

The Mustache wants one. Your mustache wants one. Obey or die, little man.

http://epicnomz.com/blog/?p=11

Every time a strip club closes, the ‘Stache gets a little misty. Excuse me a moment . . .

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,395243,00.html

Designer Vaginas? No thanks, paying for middle-class level vagina is expensive enough . . .

http://www.mercurynews.com/breakingnews/ci_10043218

One woman answering the Mustache’s call to crazy things up. Come on ladies, do it for the ol’ Hairball.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article4436051.ece

WTF moment of the week. Apparently, the Pope is hopping mad . . .

http://www.modbee.com/local/story/376089.html

Another hot bi-sexual teacher. The Mustache still feels gypped.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7540427.stm

Flat Earth? Is that anything like flat-chested? They both suck ass.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/08/02/BAUF123RT3.DTL&type=newsbayarea

That's all there is to it, the Mustache is fuckin' going to the Beaver Festival.

All right kids, that's it for me. I'm fucking sick of typing. In keeping with the Olympic Spirit, here's some stuff that fires up my torch. Drink one for me.

Mustache Rides: July 30th, 2008

What's up, cock-knockers? It's your old buddy the Mustache, back for another round of bullshit and broads. The boys look pretty good so far, taking down Sabathia and Sheets the last two nights. And the Poet was worried. Pussy. Wisconsin may be shit for sports, but they do make good fucking beer. I've been 'faced since Sunday night. Me and the Closer Beard took a drive up north looking for some action and came across this place:





Yep, it's a strip club with a giant badger head outside, plus a storage shed with a squirrel . Only in Wisconsin, motherfuckers. It wasn't too bad, except for the dancer with the wooden leg. At least the beer was cold. Anyway, here's some more weird shit the ol' Hairball found this week:

Dougie Glanville finally got around to answering his fan mail. Nice.

The Mustache might know this chick.

This is why The Mustache is agnostic. This too.

Hey, what can Brown do for you? If I were a UPS driver, the last thing I'd fuckin' want would be a last ride in one of the turd mobiles I spent my career driving. Just sayin'

I think I found my new favorite restaurant.

All of the Mustache's teachers looked like the ass-end of an ugly mule. Where was this broad when I was a lad? And this one? Makes me wanna go back to school. With a video camera.

Sheesh. Just when I thought the Cubs-White Sox rivalry would never sink to the level of Yankees-Red Sox, this three asshats come along. It's a kid's game, you jerks. Lighten up.

The Mustache was never this hard up. Not even when I was just a pussy-tickler.

Someone’s got his panties all in a twist. Jesus Christ, drink a beer, get a blow-job, and shut the ever loving fuck up.

And now, for your leering pleasure . . . The Mustache is feeling his inner geek this week, so here's some shots of Kari Bynum from Mythbusters. Redheads, man. Can't get enough of 'em. And this one blows shit up. Hotness . . .

Disclaimer: The Mustache's viewpoints are not necessarily those of The Shooter's Lounge. If you're offended by anything The Mustache says, please remember you're taking umbrage at fiction generated by an equally fictitious strip of talking hair.-LoserPoet

Mustache Rides

It’s your old pal the Mustache again. The Cubs sure look shitty since the All-Star Break, don’t they? This whole no offense thing is pissing me off. On the plus side, Kerry Wood’s Closer Beard and I have a new drinking buddy: Reed Johnson’s Fu Manchu. Now instead of looking like some random Staind fan, he looks like the gay biker from the Village People, and I mean that in a good way. Welcome to the club, Reed. I'd shoot you a pic, but apparently Reed hasn't done anything meriting a photo since he grew his fine facial foliage.

By the way, The LoserPoet said I can start doing this post once a week. We'll see how motivated I am during the stretch when the hardcore drinking begins. Your dose of random weirdness starts here:

With friends like this, who needs enemies? Not the meaning of FireCrotch the Mustache is fond of.

How come I can't get a hot chick to do this on any of the flights I'm on? Or this while I'm driving? Step up the crazy ladies, the Mustache is bored. Speaking of which, whatever happened to this chick? If you're gonna go to the trouble of getting arrested, you might as well bare it all. Wuss.

One less place for the Stache to visit when the Cubs swing through New York. Good times.

If you were a 13 year old boy, why in God's name would you turn this in? Are you on crack? Go back to the PlayStation, son.

And on that note, here's the object of my affection this week, the lovely Alyssa Milano. No one looks better than her in Cub Blue. Or out of it. Plus, she actually digs baseball. Bonus points.

Disclaimer: The Mustache's viewpoints are not necessarily those of The Shooter's Lounge. If you're offended by anything The Mustache says, please remember you're taking umbrage at fiction generated by an equally fictitious strip of talking hair.-LoserPoet

Mustache Rides Pt. 2

I'm back bitches! The Mustache has been pounding them back with the the Closer Beard and the new guy, Chad Gaudin's sweet Neck Beard. Just hanging out, checking out some tail, exchanging grooming tips. The Closer Beard got the save today. I remember when I used to pitch hungover. Guh. Never again. Since I'm on an out and out campaign to offend someone, here's another episode of Mustache Rides. This week's entry: Keira Knightley. Sweet Jesus, this lil gal is fine. Ordinarily, the Mustache likes a little more meat on the bone, but for Keira, he's willing to make an exception. For your viewing pleasure:



Disclaimer: The Mustache's viewpoints are not necessarily those of The Shooter's Lounge. If you're offended by anything The Mustache says, please remember you're taking umbrage at fiction generated by an equally fictitious strip of talking hair.-LoserPoet

Mustache Rides

Rod Beck's Mustache here. This is my first visit to this craphole. I think Rod would have liked it, but where's the action? Where's the beer, the booze, and the broads? It's a fucking sausage fest in here. Well, I'm here now, bitches, fresh from my stay in a Mexican jail (big misunderstanding, not the Mustache's fault). Here, have a Coors Light and sit back. The Mustache is goin' Hollywood, specifically actresses he'd like to give a free mustache ride to. Whaddya mean this a baseball site? Fuck you. The Mustache does whatever he wants. Before we talk chicks, check ME out here. Ain't I sexy? Your girlfriend thinks so. # 6 my hairy ass.

First up is Anne Hathaway. Holee Shit, did she come a long way from Disney flicks. And all without ending up a drug-abusing, no pantie-wearing, rehab entering, head-shaving, career floundering psycho bitch. Hey, those are usually the kind of chicks the Mustache hangs with! Anne's probably too classy for me, but the ol' hairball can dream, can't he? I might be a notch above her last boyfriend, heh heh.

























I gotta go. I'm meeting Kerry Wood's Beard and Reed Johnson's Emo Patch to try and scare up some chicks who aren't dudes dressed like chicks in Frisco tonight!


Disclaimer: The Mustache's viewpoints are not necessarily those of The Shooter's Lounge. If you're offended by anything The Mustache says, please remember you're taking umbrage at fiction generated by an equally fictitious strip of talking hair.-LoserPoet