DoucheNugget of the Week: Hank Steinbrenner

Amazing. The jackass apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, does it? We've already witnessed Hank mouthing off about Joba in the rotation before Joe Giaradi was ready to make the move and now the Baby Boss is calling out the entire National League. Apparently, the National League needs to "grow up and join the 21st Century" by hiring either washed up losers who can't field anymore or young guys who couldn't field to begin with to hit for our pitchers, who must just be a little bit more athletic than their AL counterparts. I do agree that the Majors need some parity with the rules between the two leagues, but I say the AL needs to man up, drop the DH rule, and start playing some real baseball. You know, if you teach your guys how to run the bases and practice it, maybe they won't get hurt like Wang did. Personally, the whole idea of interleague play makes me want to puke anyway, but don't be blaming the senior circuit because your guys are a bunch of pansies who don't know how to play the game. It's pretty simple, Hank. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, and you hit the ball. If a guy is on the field, he should be required to bat, it's as simple as that.

And if you somehow succeed in this quixotic quest to install the DH in the NL, be forewarned, Son of Steinbrenner. A large, crazy Venezuelan man will be waiting for you in your driveway one morning. He'll have a baseball bat and a wicked gleam in his eye. Don't Mess with The Zambrano. If you take away his at bats, it'll only lead to more battered teammates and water coolers.

45-25: Canadian Bacon and Hall of Farce Game

The Cubs went to the land of the Great White North (ey), and took 2 of 3 from the Blue Jays, including a nice game against ace pitcher Roy Halladay. While for some blessed reason the game wasn't televised on Friday, I got plenty of Len and Bob goodness Saturday and Sunday. Over the past couple of years, Len and Bob (especially Bob), have really grown. Harry's been dead for ten years now, which still amazes me when I stop to think about it and Steve Stone has turned into a smugger douchebag than when he was an announcer for the Cubs, which was too bad. With the Cubs, he was on that borderline, but never quite crossed the line. Oh well. There's always my memories. But anyway, I was talking about Len and Bob, who have evolved into a very likable duo behind the mics for the Cubs. I especially love Bob's disdain for all things umpire and his insights as a former player and manager always interest me. And Len Kaspar might be a cornball, but at least he honestly seems like he's having a good time and he seems to be learning from his baseball savvy partner. Any way, enough knob slobbering.

Today, the Cubs are forced to take part in the annual dog and pony show that is the Hall of Fame Game. Instead of getting a day off to rest between this series and the next, which comes against the suddenly toothsome (Devil) Rays, the Cubs will instead be in Cooperstown playing a game that doesn't matter at a time where we can least afford to play games that don't matter. Too bad the tradition had to end this year and not a season earlier. Lou Pinella has expressed his general disgust with having to play this game, so I won't go too deeply into this, aside from pointing out there are some so called baseball purists who not only want this goofy tradition to continue, but who have the gall to suggest that Uncle Lou and the boys need to show a little more respect for the National Pasttime. I personally would prefer the Cubs skip this farce and proceed to win the division and then the World Series. I think that would honor the game a lot more than parading around Cooperstown on what should be an off day. Let's just pray no one gets hurt who might be essential for our potential success this year.

If this tradition must continue, let me suggest that the game be scheduled for the last week of September and that teams be selected at that time from the teams already mathematically eliminated from competition. I have no problem with that. I do have a problem with this game being in the middle of a tough road trip , eliminating a day Lou could have used to give the Cubs some much needed rest. Those off-days are hard to come by during a 162 game season and to lose one for no good reason is frustrating. Hopefully, that one day won't come back to bite us in any way.

42-24: Bad Break

Ryan Dempster pitched a complete game, the first of the year for the Cubs, who really needed it to give the bullpen a much needed night off. The Cubs may have won the game, but they lost Alfonso Soriano, possibly for six weeks to a busted finger. The only good thing I can see about this is that it means Micah Hoffpauier and possibly Thunder Matt Murton will be coming back up to the bigs to wreak some havoc for six weeks. The more time goes by and it's starting to look like a stroke of luck that some of the trades the Cubs had looked into in the offseason didn't pan out. We could have lost Murton and a pitcher to Texas for Marlon Byrd. Hopefully, the Cubs can continue to put runs on the board without Sori and just keep the wagon rolling until he returns.

DoucheNugget of the Week: Cody Ross

I saw this story about Ken Griffey's 600 HR ball on MLBTradeRumors.com and it set me off. Cody Ross says: "Just give it to the Hall of Fame, get to meet him, get an autograph, whatever," Ross said. "But people get greedy. They want to make some money. I guess the whole Internet thing kicked all of this stuff off. It didn't used to be like this, but it's a different era. People get money hungry now."

Money hungry? Seriously, Cody? You , a grown man who gets paid millions (or at least hundreds of thousands) per year to play a child's game, are gonna call out some dude who caught a baseball and hasn't even decided what he's going to do with it yet? We know nothing about "Joe", the anonymous man who caught the ball, but I'm guessing he's not making millions. The ball could be worth between 15 and 100K. That's a pretty hefty sum. I love baseball as much as the next guy, but I'm sorry, if I caught that ball, it's already up for sale. If Griffey wants to buy it, I'll give him first dibs on it, but this is a once in a lifetime deal for a lot of people. And Griffey can afford to fork over 100 grand for said ball if he really wants it. with the money Griffey has earned over his career, what's a measly 100K? One less Bentley in the garage? A smaller boat for Kenny Jr Jr? And if Griffey doesn't want to pay that much, someone will. With a hundred thousand dollars, I could pay off my mortgage or put it aside for retirement. That's a lot of bread for the average man on the street. "Joe" is perfectly entitled to ask for fair market value for the ball if he chooses. I don't see that as greedy at all. I'm sure that if Cody doesn't get what he wants in terms of salary from the Marlins next season, he'll go to arbitration and won't consider that greedy in the slightest. And even with inflated salaries, I don't really see ballplayers as greedy. The owners are willing to shell it out, so why not try and make as much as you can? I don't know what "Joe's" real life financial situation is, but one could hardly blame him if he took advantage of the market and collected a windfall from this ball. Not all of us are so blessed as to make millions or even the league minimum. Next time you're cashing a paycheck, think about that, Cody. Douchenugget.

Viva La Mustache

We haven't heard from Rod Beck's Mustache in a while. Turns out he ended up in a Tijuana prison after an all night bender with Kerry Wood's Closer Beard in LA. Apparently there was some property damage at a donkey show and some farmer's daughter ended up pregnant or something. There was gunfire involved, but it was all directed skyward. Par for the course for the mustache. Not to fear, Cubs' brass have paid the fines and arranged for an adoption in nine months, so the mustache is currently winging his way back to Chicago. He was not, repeat, not in Austin and has never spent any time with Cedric Benson.

41-22: Return of the Soto-Rooter

Geovany Soto's 3 run shot put the kibosh on any kind of Braves comeback and allowed Uncle Lou to sit Wood's Beard last night, even though Kerry did warm up twice. The big catcher had been struggling a little bit, battling a sore ring finger, but he muscled one out to give the Cubs a five run lead which Jon Lieber was able to preserve in the 9th. In case you haven't noticed (which you'd have to be blind and stupid not to have), the Soto-Rooter has been having a solid rookie campaign and currently leads NL catchers in the All-Star Voting by some 200K votes. Not too shabby. Soto is also the early favorite for Rookie of the Year. If he can maintain this pace or even regress a little, he'll end up as one of the best catchers in the game by the time the season is over. Some voters may be swayed by Jay Bruce's big splash, but even if Geo finishes with lesser numbers than Bruce, I hope the voters keep in mind the relative wear and tear of the catcher position and adjust accordingly.

The Iceman struggled in the first inning, but then proceeded to shut the door on the Braves. The Killer even threw one high and tight after serving up a three run shot to Greg Norton. If your reaction is "Who the purple fuck is Greg Norton?" you are not alone. Both benches were warned and Len speculated that there might still be bad blood between the Cubs and Braves over the Soriano HBP and the subsequent Renteria HBP that earned Lilly an ejection and Mike Fontenot a cheap shot to the neck last season. Methinks Edgar should feel lucky to be in Detroit. Ted Lilly doesn't forget, Edgar. There's a mental fastball imprinted with a picture of your ribcage spinning in his diabolical mind, so I would enjoy the American League and thank your lucky stars the Cubs' interleague schedule doesn't include Detroit this year. Just know that you are on borrowed time. You WILL meet the Iceman again.

Guilty Pleasure: Ice Road Truckers

Ordinarily, I want to watch reality TV as much as I want to see Ray King in Jason Giambi's tiny gold banana hammock, but there's just something about this show. Big rigs have always fascinated me, even though I can barely drive a standard transmission equipped automobile myself. The idea that some moron would actually risk life and limb driving a massive vehicle overloaded with heavy equipment over frozen water intrigues me. My wife and I watched the entire first season of said show and I actually find the show so compelling that I skipped an hour of the Cub game Sunday night to watch the season 2 premiere. That descion was made fairly easy by the fact that the game was on ESPN and listening to Joe Morgan and his personal ballwasher Jon Miller makes me physically ill.

This season, four of the drivers from the first season are off to a different location to transport supplies to a natural gas operation. They're even further north this year, which means temperatures are colder and not only will they drive across frozen lakes, but they will actually drive over frozen portions of the Arctic Ocean! Holy. Fucking. Shit. You have to admire a guy who's willing to drive a truck over frozen ocean. That's a pretty scary thought. In fact, they show a couple of the guys heading north to the natural gas refinery and they're driving next to boats that are frozen in place. That's pretty messed up.

Not to recap the whole episode, but one scene struck me as completely retarded. One of the guys from last year was this pissant whiner named Drew. He didn't make it through last season and this year he signs up to drive, hoping to prove himself and get some retribution on one of the other guys, who fired him during the first season. So you're going up to the frigid north, where's it's like 50 fucking below or some shit and this nozzle leaves his jacket at home. He misses a chance to go on a run because he has no jacket or cold weather gear and the guy he was hoping to show up is set to go. I'm no trucking genius, but if I'm heading above the Arctic Circle, I'm bulkier than the Michelin Man. I've got long underwear, coveralls, a parka, and as many layers as I can cram under said parka. I'm wearing all that shit indoors too, cuz you never know man. What a choad. Then selfsame nozzle sits around for the first day and because he doesn't get a load he quits. Without ever even driving mile one. What a douche. At least last season you made six trips before being a little pussy and getting fired.

I'm sure the NASCAR crowd watches this in the hopes of seeing someone fall through the ice and die, but I can't really give you a good reason why it fascinates me. Only one of the guys, Alex, is really likable, although maybe some of the guys they'll show in season 2 will be as well. Maybe it's just the idea that someone would do something so dangerous to make a living and it makes me count my blessings that although my job might suck, at least it's not going to kill me in an instant if I fuck up or just have a spat of dumb luck. Or maybe it's the rugged individualism of the men who do this for a living and I'm really queer for that. Hell if I know. Still, a guilty pleasure to watch.

40-22: Even Joe Morgan Can't Stop The Cubs

In what was surely a disappointment for long time Cub hater Joe Morgan, he and sycophantic douchenozzle partner Jon Miller were treated to a Cub victory over the Dodgers last night. As far as I know, there were no Albert Pujols references, although I'll confess to missing an hour whilst watching the season premiere of Ice Road Truckers. Per usual, there were at least a couple innings in which Morgan and Miller ignored the action on the field, droning on about unrelated matters. No worries, though, as the Dastardly Duo are much easier for me to swallow when the Cubs come out victorious. Now if only we'd beaten the Cardinals during the last Sunday night broadcast. That would've been sweet. Morgan must secretly have been gnashing his teeth over the fact that the Northsiders have the best record in the bigs at the moment. Of course, he did say the Cubs would win the division this year, which probably totally jinxed us. Kerry Wood's beard notched it's 18th save and was last seen drinking Coors' Light with the Shooter's mustache at an LA strip club. Mustache rides for all!

39-22: Hair of the Beard

The Cubs pulled off another late victory last night in LA, courtesy of a go-ahead RBI by Kosuke Fukudome, who also contributed his first homer away from Wrigley Field to the cause. Ryan Dempster ended up with a no decision, thanks to my least favorite ballplayer of all time, Jeff "Ump Choker" Kent, who hit two solo home runs in the game. Prick.

Most impressive though was the hard as nails 9th pitched by Kerry Wood, who surely needs a better nickname then Kid K now that he boasts a startlingly manly Closer Beard. Hitting yet another left-handed batter, Wood loaded the bases before striking out Matt Kemp with some wicked stuff to end the game. Somewhere Rod Beck is grinning at you Kerry. Wood now has 17 saves, the most in the National League and despite his proclivity to nail left-handed hitters, he looks remarkably comfortable in his new role. No surprise, TSL loves closers and to see Wood, a fan favorite for many years, thrive in the role is especially rewarding.

Other TSL favorite Geo Soto is struggling a bit, as the Soto-Rooter has dipped to a .283 average on the season. Still not bad for a rookie catcher. Add in the home runs, RBIs, and superb defense and Geo stands out as one of the best catchers in the game, rookie or no. One of the things that I really like about Geo is that he seems to bounce back after struggling for a bit, so the Poet anticipates a resurgence in the near future. The absolute bomb he hit at PetCo was certainly a good sign, but fewer strikeouts would be nice. still, it's hard to complain too much. Catcher is such a demanding position and Geo certainly seems mature beyond his years at handling the pitching staff. Much better than eggplant-brained Michael Barrett whom we foisted off on San Diego after his brief career as a punching bag last season. Who did we get back in that deal? Does it matter?

The Poet will be a lot happier once the West Coast swing is over as it's getting harder for me to stay up past midnight. Thank God the game last night didn't go into extras. Another late one tonight before things get a little more reasonable over the weekend. Unfortunately, the game on Sunday is on the Eastcoast SPorts Network so perennial douchenuggets Joe Morgan and Jon Miller will be in the broadcast chairs. Gee, I wonder who Joe will be pulling for? Any guesses on how many times he'll bring up Albert Pujols? Maybe they'll replay the whole interview Morgan did with amazing Albert the last time the Cubs were on Sunday Night Baseball. The Cubs are playing the Dodgers you say? Like that matters. On average, Miller and Morgan spend only about three innings per game actually calling the game they're watching anyway. Oh well. TV on mute and Pat and Ron on the radio. If it weren't for that damned TV delay . . .

38-22: What a Ride

Hey kids. I haven't posted in a while, content to enjoy the 9 game winning streak without commenting upon it. Plus I hurt my back a week or so ago and haven't felt like doing much on the ol' computer. Never fear, though, with a steroid injection yesterday, the Poet is back, The Soto Rooter has been updated and we're back in action here at the Lounge. The other reason I didn't post was pure superstition. The Cubs were doing so well while I wasn't posting, I'd promised myself I wouldn't post until they lost.

The Padres managed to squeak out a 1-run win over the Iceman, Ted Lilly last night. Ted didn't pitch too badly at all, aside from a shaky first. Nice to see the boys win a road series. Hopefully the trend will continue in LA. Aside from beating up the bullpen quite a bit over the course of the streak, the Cubs looked pretty good, rallying back to take the lead in several of the games. The Cubs' starters need to start going a little deeper in these ballgames if we're gonna last til the end of the season. At least they didn't win 10 games, so I'd have to see Bob Brenly's naked face and Len attempt to grow a little pussy-tickler of a mustache.

I'd also be remiss in not mentioning the Friday night comeback the Cubs made against the Rockies. Truly memorable, from the shots by Fukudome, Hank White, Jim (guh) Edmonds, and Mark DeRosa, the night was truly a night for heroes, not to mention the superb bullpen stylings of Mr. Marmol and Mr. Wood. Kid K is looking truly rugged these days, with a nice thick closer's goatee that would have made the ol' Shooter proud. The Mustache approves!

And while I don't usually like to throw out any kudos to the players on opposing teams, a salute to Heath Bell of the Padres. Heath's inspiration for his stance on the mound and steely determination comes from #47, Rod Beck. He's even got the little arm swing. You're okay, Heath, even if you did pick up the win last night. Have a Coors' Light on us and don't ever fuckin' do it again. Cheers!