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Friday, May 23, 2008

DoucheNugget of the Week: The MLB Brass

Over the last couple year, the head honchos at MLB have found a lot of nitpicky little bullshit things to focus on. While players have been injecting steroids, receiving HGH in the mail, and having alcohol and anger management issues, the goobers in the front office have been worrying about bullshit topics like whether Terry Francona and Lou Pinella are wearing their jerseys under their pullover jackets, how much gray was on Aramis Ramirez's shoes, and making Justin Miller wear long sleeves so his tattoos wouldn't distract opposing hitters.

In this vein, the brass has decided that baseball games are still taking too long and has asked umpires to enforce the asinine rules. Players, managers, PA announcers, and entertainment staff can be reprimanded for taking too long to do their jobs. All of this is ridiculous. Baseball games are long. They involve strategy and deliberation. If that's not your thing, don't watch. Forcing players and managers to speed up the pace of the game by shaving seconds here and there is just retarded. Players have established routines. Some pitchers are very quick to the plate, like Jon Lieber. Others take their time, like Bob Howry. Then there are those who take forever to release a pitch, as in Steve "The Human Rain delay" Trachsel. Trachsel holds on to the ball like some people hold on to a bowel movement. But that's his thing. Other players, like Nomar, have an elaborate batting ritual. All of this is part of the game. You have to respect the game and what goes along with it. You can't sandblast all of the personality out of this game. It's still the greatest game in the world in my opinion, partly because there are no time constraints. Everything in today's instant gratification society is about time. Fast food, TV on demand, movies on demand, everything has to be now, now, now. Baseball is the last bastion standing for taking things leisurely. This is supposed to be enjoyment. It's a kids game, played for the amusement of the masses. Stop fucking around with it. My life is all about rules, timing, and deadlines. Baseball has to have rules, sure. But the rules that defined the sport for over a century don't need to bow to the modern world. Hell, cricket matches can go on for days. What's the harm if a baseball game lasts an extra couple minutes because Scott Eyre needs to breathe between pitches? What difference does it really make if Uncle Lou has his jersey on under his Cubs jacket or if he's rocking it commando style? And if guys want to put tributes to late friends on their hats by inscribing their numbers there, is that somehow going to violate the integrity of the game? Come on MLB. Don't be such douchenuggets.

BallHype: hype it up!

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