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Monday, May 5, 2008

DoucheNugget of the Week-Triple Threat: Joe Morgan/Jon Miller/5 Second Delay

Since I didn't do a DoucheNugget post last week, here's an extended version full of salty goodness.

I don't have the heart to recap the three game series against the Cardinals, but the sting of defeat on Sunday was made much worse by the fact that the game was televised on ESPN, thus putting it in the hands of Joe Morgan and Jon Miller, perhaps the worst announcing team in the history of baseball. I think I'd rather watch the Hawkeroo call a game in which the White Sox hit thirty home runs then hear Miller/Morgan call a Cubs game, especially a Cubs/Cards game. Shall we begin?

Joe Morgan:

Joe Morgan should be Albert Pujols's personal ball washer. This guy spends so much time polishing Pujols's knob, he knows how many indvidual pubic hairs Albert has. I know Albert's a great player, but the man-love has gotten disgusting, especially now that Morgan's other mantasy, Barry Bonds, has "retired" or whatever the fuck. Last night was no exception, with praises heaped upon King Albert, including an interview that was inexplicably broken up and shown in chunks throughout the game. Now, Joe, if you want to talk to Albert that's cool, but for Christ's sake, do I have to hear this shit while the game is going on? Can't you just shoot your wad before the game starts and be done with it? And ESPN, where's the corresponding interview with one of our players? Derrek Lee, for example, who's off to a fantastic start or Kosuke Fukudome, the man with all the pre-season buzz. (More on Fukudome later). Not only do we get a treatise on how awesome Albert is, but Morgan also spent a good chunk of the game talking up Tony LaRussa. At one point, Joe says the mark of a good manager is being able to win with different teams. Yeah, yeah. Tony won with the A's and the Cardinals. I'd like to see Tony go down to Tampa and win with those kids during the years Uncle Lou was down there. Now that would be something. And Joe, you played the game a hundred years ago. Shut the fuck up already. Walt Jockety is exiled to Cincinnati. The Reds suck now. Deal with it.

Jon Miller:

Jon Miller is such a sycophantic little douchenozzle that he undoubtedly has a picture of Joe Morgan mounted above his headboard so he can sustain an erection while fucking his wife. The fact that he can call ballgames with Joe's cock in his mouth is truly amazing. Not that these two assclowns actually call games so much as sit around and bullshit while a game is going on in the background. Hey, Jon? we know Joe Morgan is a Hall of Famer, okay? You don't need to tell us every single fucking time. Jon apparently knows Japanese as well, as he conducted an interview with Kosuke Fukudome that wasn't aired on ESPN, since they apparently couldn't fit it in around their Albert Pujols coverage. Of course, Joe Morgan had to chime in by telling us that the Japanese league is equivalent to our Triple A teams and that Albert Pujols could go over to Japan and absolutely destroy it. No word on whether the Japanese would make Pujols their new Emperor on the spot or not. So these two hosers managed to take an interesting piece about Fukudome and turn it in to another compliment to Albert AND insult the Japanese leagues at the same time. True statement or not, you don't say that kind of shit on the air. It's just not polite. And let's say Fukudome dominates all year and is in contention for Rookie of the Year. I totally predict you'll hear Joe Morgan change his tune on air and say Fukudome shouldn't be considered because he played professionally in Japan. But if the Nippon Leagues are equal to Triple A, doesn't that put Kosuke at the same level as a rookie who came from Triple A? He'll find a way to spin that one, I'm sure.

It's bad enough losing to the Cardinals, but watching ESPN feels like watching a Cardinal home game. That's just shitty broadcasting. I know Miller and Morgan hate the Cubs and that's fine, but they shouldn't be given a national venue to express their disdain. Get a blog, assholes. It's free and you can be as biased as you like. Fuck both of you sideways.

The 5 Second Delay:

The forgotten culprit here is the bullshit 5 second delay that all televised games have these days. (Thanks Janet Jackson. Thanks a lot.) If not for this beastly little device, it would be possible for me to mute the TV and listen to Pat & Ron (Who should be in the HOF, Joe Morgan. Cocksucker.) The 5 second delay means that the radio announcers call the play before the play happens on TV, which just gives me a colossal headache and ruins watching the game on TV. So then I'm forced to choose between listening to the game or watching it on my new HDTV with Miller/Morgan. I chose Miller/Morgan, but after last night, I'm not sure I can make that choice again. If the Cubs play the Cards on Sunday night again, I may be forced to revert to my five dollar AM radio rather than watch my seven hundred dollar TV. At least I won't be tempted to throw something heavy through the screen of my radio the next time Morgan and Miller ignore the play on the field to talk to Albert about his approach to hitting. Fuck all of you fucking douchenuggets.

BallHype: hype it up!

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