55-37: Zambrano Sizzles, Lilly Fizzles Against Reds

On Wednesday, Carlos Zambrano held the Reds to 1 hit, a HR shot from the Big Donkey, Adam Dunn. Other than that, El Toro was dealing, a man possessed on the mound. Carlos really seems to be on a mission, taking this team on his big, brawny shoulders. The antics have been reduced, what's left is the solid starting pitcher, the team leader. The man. Carlos Marmol was a little shaky after getting the first two outs, but the Beard came in with the bases juiced and nailed it down on a foul out to DLee.

Thursday's outing from Ted Lilly took the opposite route as he was unable to escape the 3rd. The Cubs and Reds played slugfest all day, the Reds eventually triumphing 12-7. The Reds hit 7 homeruns in the ballgame, including a mammoth Dunn shot in the rain that probably still hasn't landed yet. It might have beat those fuckers back to Cincinnati for all I know. J.M. Riccardi, you sure you wouldn't want to have Adam Dunn? Yeah, he can't hit for average, but holy freaking crap can he hit that ball far. Guy's a DHing wet dream.

Still, we took the series from the Reds, always a good thing to send the Dustbag out of town the overall loser. The Giants come to town today for a weekend series. Hopefully, Matt Cain and Tim Lincecum won't be as sharp as they were in the Bay area and we can rattle off another series win.

Dick Hardon starts tomorrow for the Cubs and I'm pretty excited. Even if his arm does blow up, at least the womenfolk have a new stud in town to watch. That whooshing sound you heard was panties blowing off all across Chicago. Those eyes, that come hither crooked smile, that five o'clock shadow . . . wait, does that come off gay? Fuck, I don't care. Mark DeRosa better watch out, there's a new sweetie in town!

54-36: Keeping Up With The Johnsons

In a sweet move, Jim Hendry sent Eric Patterson, Thunder Matt Murton, Sean Gallagher, and catcher Josh Donaldson to the Oakland As for Rich Harden and reliever Chad Gaudin. It's a move that doesn't cost the Cubs too much and makes the rotation and the bullpen that much stronger. It also answers the Brewers excellent move to acquire CC Sabathia. If Harden can stay healthy, he and Zambrano form an effective 1-2 punch atop the rotation. Throw in excellent work from Dempster and Lilly and the Cubs' starting four are as good as any in the game. Marquis? Maybe Marshall takes his spot in the next week or so. Hendry also accomplished the trade without mortgaging too much of the team's future and also leaving himself some room to make a few more deals. (Cedeno/? for A.J. Burnette. perhaps?) This doesn't guarantee us a playoff spot, but well done, Mr. Hendry.

Overshadowed by the move, Ryan Dempster picked up his 10th win at Wrigley this year. The Canadian funny man is unbeaten in the Friendly Confines this year. The Soto-Rooter knocked in three and added another homerun to give him 16 on the year. Holy Crap, is this kid good or what?

In other news, CC Sabathia looked really good for the Sausage Slingers last night, tallying his first National League win. Makes me glad we got Harden sooner than later. Hopefully his arm won't fall off.

53-36: Cubs Win Road Series in St. Louis, Sabathia Lands in Brewer Country

The Cubs took 2 of 3 from the Cardinals over the weekend, with Kerry Wood's Closer Beard blowing Saturday's game. Unofficial word was the Beard was hungover after tearing St. Louis a new one Friday night. The Shooter's Mustache and the Beard decided to take Jim Edmonds out on the town and "make a man out of him". Apparently, it's working as Edmonds and former boss Tony LaRussa traded barbs in the media during the series. Jesus, no wonder Scott Rolen wanted out of St. Louis so bad. I'm still on the fence about Jim Edmonds, but this goes a long way towards making him actually somewhat likable. I think if the Cubs ever hired Mr. Sunglasses to run the team, I just might have to kill myself. What a fuckin' nightmare that would be.

The worst news of the weekend is that C.C. Sabathia is apparently destined to become a Sausage Slinger this weekend, which really blows ass. C.C. and El Toro Loco could have been the best pound for pound 1-2 punch in the bigs, but alas, it's not meant to be. Is this LaPorta kid really that good? That leaves the Cubs still looking to add some rotation depth, although the big kid, Sean Marshall, certainly looked good yesterday against the Birds. Some options that appear to be available:

A.J. Burnette-nice stuff when he's healthy, seems kind of churlish for a guy who's been disabled much of the past few seasons. The Blue Jays supposedly want a shortstop upgrade. would Cedeno be considered an upgrade? Over Eckstein? Maybe.

Greg Maddux-Certainly the feel good, warm n' fuzzy trade option. I'd love for Greg to finally finish out his career in the blue pinstripes, but I'm not sure he's a legit upgrade over pupil Sean Marshall at this point. I love the Mad Dog and he's a competitor, but PetCo is helping him an awful lot.

Erik Bedard-I remember when the Cubs were trying to get the Orioles to trade us Tejada and Bedard for Prior and some other crap. The Orioles decided to pass, but did offer Tejada for Prior straight up, I believe. One of Jim Hendry's rare miscues there, the other biggie being Nolasco, Pinto, and Mitre for Juan Pierre. I don't know about you, but Nolasco would look pretty effing sweet in our rotation right about now. And Pierre? He still sucks. But Bedard is an intriguing possibility, although he seems a little inconsistent to me.

Randy Wolf-I like Randy Wolf, he's recovered well from his injury, but like Maddux, his value is inflated by the park he pitches in. He gives up too many gopher balls for me to be comfortable bringing him to Wrigley.

Aaron Cook-would be awesome, but he's apparently not available. Not even for Matt Murton and a couple minor league pitchers if Holiday is traded? Rockies would be crazy not to at least listen.

Zack Greinke-The boys at Thunder Matt's Saloon posited this one the other day and I love it. Completely hypothetical, since the Royals thus far haven't mentioned his name as being available, but Greinke is freaking filthy. His head finally seems screwed on straight, although one wonders how he'd handle pitching in a pennant race. Be nice if there'd be some way to squeeze Lahay out of the Royals as well. That'd bolster the rotation as well as give us a lefty out of the pen who can, you know, get guys out and stuff. Kind of important.

The Cubs roll on to Cincinnati for the next leg of the punishment tour. Seven Cub All-Stars include: El Toro Loco, Canadian Bacon, The Soto-Rooter, Fukkake, ARam, The Beard, and No Show. Rock on.

Happy Hank Mobley Day!

In addition to being a Cubs fan, the Poet is also a huge jazz fan, specifically the genre known as hard bop. My favorite jazz musician of all time is tenor sax player Hank Mobley. He was born July 7th, 1930 and died May 30th, 1986. He was labeled "the middleweight champ of the tenor saxophone" and never really got his due while he was alive, despite a tenure with Miles Davis. Mobley boasts an incredible tone on the saxophone, very warm and fully rounded. His ear for melody was second to none. Check out albums such as : Roll Call, Soul Station, No Room for Squares, and Miles Davis: In Person Friday & Saturday Nights at The Blackhawk Complete. If you love music, you won't be disappointed.

51-34: I'm a Little Worried . . .

I'm a little confused, and not in the good, college freshman girl meets the older more experienced lesbian roommate kind of confused. Specifically, I'm confused about Jim Edmonds. Edmonds hit another homerun last night, a two run shot that gave the Cubs the lead for a time. Edmonds has now hit 9 homeruns, 8 with the Cubs and is batting a robust .292 since leaving the spacious eyesore that is PetCo Park. He is proving to be the left handed power bat Lou Pinella craved in spring training and throughout the month of April. Like many others, I derided this signing when it first took place. I totally believed Edmonds was done, nothing left in the tank. Christ, I was hoping he was done, just to avoid the quandary I now find myself in. This would be the uncomfortable position of rooting for Jim Edmonds and being happy when he does well. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I'm glad that he's helping the team, but at the same time, I've despised the guy for so long that it's been difficult for me to cheer when he comes to the plate or makes an awesome catch. Last night, I caught myself doing a fist pump as Edmond's homer sailed over the wall between the lame-ass cars and immediately felt dirty. I feel like I watched my freshman year roommate shower and discovered I had a boner, if that makes any sense to you. I just feel . . . disturbed. I mean I still don't feel the need to go out and buy a Jim Edmonds T-Shirt or jersey, but I feel the hatred slipping away.

Anyhoo, the other thing that worries me is Carlos Marmol. Marmol was filthy for the first two batters he faced last night before he reverted to the form he's shown over the past week or so. He walked a guy, gave up a hit, and then laid a fastball over the sweetspot of the plate, which Ray Durham proceeded to massacre, tying the game, and destroying the ERA of two of my flipping fantasy teams. The quick work he made of the first two batters gives me hope that he's figuring out his issues, but he still seems to have some control issues, as well as a tendency to give up the long ball. Hopefully, Larry and Geo can get his ass straightened out. I love the kid, but it's obvious that Lou made the right choice by making Kerry and his beard the closer.

Speaking of which, not even a triple by Jose Castillo could stop the Beard from notching his 21st save of the season. Where are all you punks calling for him to be replaced now? That's what I thought. The Beard and Rod Beck's Mustache threw down in the Lounge last night and there's broken Coors bottles and panties all over the fucking place. Sean Gallagher takes on Tiny Tim Lincecum tonight. Let's see who's taller, Mike Fontenot or Lincecum. We already know Fontenot's got the bigger stick. Mighty Mouse is clutch. See you all Monday after the Cardinals series!

Mustache Rides

Rod Beck's Mustache here. This is my first visit to this craphole. I think Rod would have liked it, but where's the action? Where's the beer, the booze, and the broads? It's a fucking sausage fest in here. Well, I'm here now, bitches, fresh from my stay in a Mexican jail (big misunderstanding, not the Mustache's fault). Here, have a Coors Light and sit back. The Mustache is goin' Hollywood, specifically actresses he'd like to give a free mustache ride to. Whaddya mean this a baseball site? Fuck you. The Mustache does whatever he wants. Before we talk chicks, check ME out here. Ain't I sexy? Your girlfriend thinks so. # 6 my hairy ass.

First up is Anne Hathaway. Holee Shit, did she come a long way from Disney flicks. And all without ending up a drug-abusing, no pantie-wearing, rehab entering, head-shaving, career floundering psycho bitch. Hey, those are usually the kind of chicks the Mustache hangs with! Anne's probably too classy for me, but the ol' hairball can dream, can't he? I might be a notch above her last boyfriend, heh heh.

























I gotta go. I'm meeting Kerry Wood's Beard and Reed Johnson's Emo Patch to try and scare up some chicks who aren't dudes dressed like chicks in Frisco tonight!


Disclaimer: The Mustache's viewpoints are not necessarily those of The Shooter's Lounge. If you're offended by anything The Mustache says, please remember you're taking umbrage at fiction generated by an equally fictitious strip of talking hair.-LoserPoet

50-34: Adam Raised a Cain

Damn, that was a brutal game last night. Matt Cain was very sharp and only needed 2 runs to beat the Cubs last night. Nobody looked very good against Cain, who appeared to grow stronger as the night wore on. The only run the boys were able to squeeze out came against former Beach Boy Brian Wilson, who struck a flu-dazed Riot out to finish off the save. Not good, especially considering the Cubs still have to face Tiny Tim Lincecum tomorrow night. Hopefully, we'll be able to tee off on Kevin Correia tonight, but since the Cubs have probably never seen this dude before, that prospect seems unlikely. At least we have the Canadian Comedian going tonight in what will hopefully be a bounceback performance from the Crosstown Catastrophe last Friday.

The good news is that the man, the legend Reed Johnson and his emo beard will be back tomorrow and El Toro Loco returns Friday against the hated Cardinals. Will he be any good? Christ, I hope so.

Monday night's game against Barry Zito was a laugher that the Cubs desperately needed after the egg they laid at the Cell. Thanks Barry, your check is in the mail. Mark DeRosa continues to be one of the most underrated signings the Cubs made in the offseason last year. I had him on my fantasy team when he was a Ranger in '06, but even I was surprised that he's been able to string together this many good seasons. Plus he excels at multiple positions, which seems to titillate the ladies. I'm sure his wife was less than amused by the video of him cannoodling with cute country crooner Juliana Hough. Long as you keep it in your pants, big boy!

49-33: Ugh

What a lousy weekend for baseball. I feel like I've been punched in the junk. After the previous week's sweeping of the Pale Hosers, they returned the favor by sweeping the Cubs out of the Cell. Christ, is interleague play finally over? I really hate playing the AL, not because the AL is so much better than the NL, but just because I've never liked the idea of interleague play at all and in fact dislike the American League rules. I really loathe the DH and believe such an abomination should never have been allowed to come to pass. I think pitchers should hit and anyone who hits should play the field. I'm looking at you Big Papi and Travis Hafner. Oh, sure, it elongates a few careers and I'm sure the Player's Union would cry like a buncha pussies were the rule ever changed, but I still think it's a stupid rule. You put nine players on the field, those nine guys should hit. What's next, softball shit, where you can pinchrun for a player and then put the original player back in? Come on.

Anyway, what a lousy series. The boys looked a little lackluster and the Sox were just better. They really pitched well to Aramis, especially after he made them his bitch the previous weekend. Oh well. Still in first, still best record in the bigs. Zambrano's coming back, Soriano's on the mend, and maybe, just maybe, God willing, C.C. Sabathia might be a Cub this year. Keep your heads up, kids. The Giants come to town, bringing Barry Zito and his enormous contract ERA with him. After dropping the last couple of series, it's good to see an NL West team coming to town.

48-29: Streak Snapped At 14 Games

Wow, it's been a while since I posted, so I'll bet the three of you losers who read this site were pretty disappointed, huh? Let's just say that the family had a bunch of medical issues this week, both human and feline, but things seem to be back on the upswing. Since I've been gone a while, I have some shit to get off my chest:

First of all, the Soto-Rooter has been updated. The bad thing about that is his batting average seems to keep falling. Come on Geovany. If you really want Rookie of the Year, you need to hit, big boy. Of course, an All-Star appearance won't hurt the cause and that's looking pretty likely.

Second, Rod Beck's Mustache has a message for my brother in law, who predicted the White Sox would sweep the Cubs over the weekend. The message reads: "Seriously? You thought the Pale Hosers would sweep? At Wrigley? Dude."

Third, a message to the White Sox organization in general. When the fuck did the White Sox turn into the whiny kid from next door who hates you? This kid has all the shiny new stuff that you don't, and he brags about having the shiny new stuff, but he still is jealous of you for some reason and feels the need to rag on your broken down shit. I just don't get it. The White Sox won a WORLD SERIES in 2005. Their ballpark, although somewhat lacking in character, is newer than Wrigley Field. They currently reside atop the AL Central despite NO ONE even remotely thinking they had a chance to be there. And are they happy about it? Oh, hell no. (And White Sox fans, this isn't aimed at you. I know plenty of Sox fans who are happy as clams. That's cool. I'm not interested in dissing you guys, so don't freak out.) Instead, their douchenozzle of a manager talks about the rats at Wrigley being the size of pigs. AJ Eyechart asserts Cub fans are "idiots". Some rookie douchewad I've never heard of tells us Wrigley Field smells like urine. The GM even gets in on the act, by telling us he'd have to be desperate to take a job with the Cubs. Like we'd want him. Jim Hendry may be far from perfect, but he's made some pretty big deals. And no, we haven't won a World Series, but I don't understand why Kenny Williams is upset because Cub fans didn't really care whether or not the Sox won a Series. What did he think would happen exactly? Did he think that the second the Sox got the final out against Houston that Cub fans would suddenly decide en masse to throw their blue hats into the gutter, scream "I've been wasting my life on my bullshit team!" and just give up and become Sox fans? It doesn't work that way, Kenny. Sure, there are some bandwagon jumpers who will hop on and off as the team performs well or poorly, but those are the same nitwits you see walking around Chicago wearing Red Sox or Yankee hats when those teams do well. Do you really want those assholes anyway? Don't act like I owe you allegiance just because you guys ended your drought first. I'm proud to say that I didn't root against the Sox in 05 (They were playing the Astros, whom I loathe beyond all possible reason, so it was pretty much a no brainer.) but I'm never going to become a Sox fan. it just isn't going to happen, Kenny. Bears fans don't become Packer fans, Yankee fans don't become Red Sox fans, Dale Jr fans don't become Jeff Gordon fans, so I'm not sure why you have this unrealistic expectation of Cub fans. I wasn't upset that the Sox won in 05, but I just wasn't all that excited either. Sorry, but it meant about as much to me as when the Angels won in 02, the Marlins in 03, the Red Sox in 04, blah blah blah. The only WS I've given a shit about lately is when the Dbacks beat the Yankees in 01, and that was only because my childhood hero, Mark "Slumpbuster" Grace got an effing ring out of it. The Sox are just another team to me, Kenny. What does upset me is you telling me how I should feel about your team and thinking I'm somehow a bad baseball fan for not embracing the Sox like a long lost brother. To me the standings don't matter, the attendance doesn't matter, none of it matters save that the Cubs were the team I grew up rooting for, the team that I'm stubbornly loyal to. Shit, why don't you ask me to root against my alma mater too, because that makes about as much sense. So White Sox organization and players, stop the pity party. You have a loyal group of dedicated fans. Why do you need us to acknowledge you and why do you feel the need to take shots at our team? Show some class and realize that there are some people you just ain't gonna win over.

Fourth, Aramis Ramirez. Don't ever change baby. I love you just the way you are. Does that make me gay? Nobody tell my wife. Seriously though, this weekend was badass. Stay a Cub forever, Rami. You keep hitting like this and I'll buy you some fucking chickens.

Fifth-how could we blow our fourteen game home winning streak by losing to the Orioles? Bases loaded, bottom of the 9th, down two, no outs. Three straight Ks for Sherrill. Holy Shit. I'm still shocked at how bad he made Fukudome look. Still, you can't win 'em all. Take the next two, we're still golden.

Sixth-What the shit is this hottest Cub fan/hottest Sox fan bullshit on the Sun-Times website? Isn't it enough that we have to play six games against the Southsiders? Just keep stirring that pot motherfuckers. Maybe a real news story will sneak up on you while you're looking for baseball fans in thongs.

That's enough for now. See ya on the flip side.

45-27: Aww Shit

The Rays took the series with the win last night, but the worst news was that El Toro Loco experienced what was described as right shoulder discomfort. The Big Moose has been a tank for the Cubs the past several seasons, so hopefully nothing terrible will be revealed when he has his MRI in Chicago. Zambrano did report that the shoulder was feeling better, so hopefully this all turns out to be nothing. Regardless of whether Zambrano is okay, the Cubs need to seriously try to acquire C.C. Sabathia from the Indians. Peter Gammons doesn't think the Cubs have what the Indians would want to make the deal happen, but I think that depends on what the Indians are looking for. If they want some major league players who are ready now, then I seriously doubt we can pull the deal off. However, if they want some decent prospects, I think the Cubs can accommodate them. It might take a healthy chunk of our farm system to accomplish, but I think they could pull it off. Guys like Ceda, Veal, Patterson, Cedeno, and a few others may be enough to get this done. If however, the Indians are adamant about receiving some serious major league talent, I think the Cubs will be shit out of luck. From Sabathia, the talent level drops considerably. A.J. Burnett is intriguing, but he's a little too Prioresque for my taste. Plus, he seems like kind of a dick, but what the hell, we already have Jim Edmonds and the douche factor hasn't seemed to alter the mood in the clubhouse to this point. What's one more nozzle in the scheme of things when you have Uncle Lou around to bust balls? Rumors also tie the Cubs to the carcass of Erik Bedard, which does sort of worry me a little since he's pitched like mule shit for Seattle. The return of Maddux would be good PR, but not really the upgrade over Gallagher/Marquis that would put us over the top.