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Friday, April 25, 2008

DoucheNuggetof the Week: High Gas Prices

Took me most of the week to really build up a good head of rage on this topic. Gas prices in my area have currently hit around $3.57 for a gallon of gas. Since I commute and cannot give up my car at the present time, I can only pontificate uselessly to the three people who read this website.

The oil companies are greedy cocksuckers who have bent us literally over a barrel and are fucking us up the ass with a 2x4. This not only hurts, but causes splinters. They continue to reap massive profits and reward executives with bonuses equivalent or exceeding the GNP of several third world countries. When called on the floor by Congress each year, they plead expenses while giving the senators the finger. And where is the federal government in all this? Where is an energy policy that will stop the madness and decrease our reliance on these motherfucking fossil fuel pimps? Is there a leader who has the balls to stand up for the people and say enough is enough? Where's Teddy Roosevelt with the trust-busting stick to beat the shit out of these people? Not in our government, the heads of which are deep in cahoots with Big Oil.

Not that average people are helping out. My wife and I have been carpooling for over a year now, forced to by the price at the pump. Every day, I seed douchebags driving around in SUVs the size of space shuttles, alone. Enough space to transport two little league teams and equipment and usually these monstrosities carry one self-absorbed human. Thanks a bunch. We apparently learned nothing from the Oil Embargo when auto companies began manufacturing compacts and more fuel efficient vehicles. The Me First generation has had just enough of that bullshit, thank you very much. My SUV needs to have a fucking helicopter pad on it. I don't even have a helicopter, but I need it. Just like I need four wheel drive even though the biggest mountain I'm gonna climb is the speedbump at the local Kroger. Or a chrome brushguard in case I get a wild hair up my ass to drive through the neighbor's hedges. Sweet Jebus, is this really what it's come to?

Now, I'm not advocating giving up the automobile. The car is a tried and true symbol of Americana. But here's the problem. It used to be any goober in high school, whatever, could buy a crappy car and drive from Point A to Point B and afford to buy gas on a fast food salary. Cars are freedom, man. Now they've become symbols of the establishment, a fancy bauble used to show off to the world just what a complete fucking narcissist you are. That's not cool. That's Un-American. So is squeezing the middle class out of its right to drive. We NEED to drive to get to work. We need to drive to get out of our parent's houses. We don't need SUVs. Buying an Escalade does not make you Tony Soprano. It makes you a victim of the hype machine.

Back to the gas companies. I really don't believe their reasons anymore for gas price spikes and valleys. Supply and demand has gone out the window. All their excuses are bullshit. These people are raising prices because they can. Someone needs to step in and smack these fuckers down. Teddy's dead and George Bush is getting profits under the table. Who's gonna help us? Remember The Road Warrior? That's where we're going, people.

Deep breath. I'm sure there are people who will disagree with some of this. Some of it is incoherent and childish. But hey, it's my blog. So there.

BallHype: hype it up!

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