DoucheNugget of The Week: TV Ads That Suck Ass

I’d intended for the DoucheNugget of the week posts to run every Wednesday. However, since I spent a good deal of time watching baseball this weekend, I was subjected to numerous commercials and just can’t wait any longer. I HATE commercials with a blind, all-encompassing rage. I understand that in order to see the shows and games I want to see that they need advertising in order to survive, but as commercials grow ever more insipid, the more my anger grows. I recognize the need for commercials, but refuse to believe they need to be this retarded.

1. The Free Credit Report commercials. If I have to see this “band” of hosers one more time, I’m gonna kill someone. I hate all of them and I hate the annoyingly catchy music they play in each commercial. I want to punch each and every one of the doucherockets in these videos in the face over and over. These commercials are neither funny nor clever. I need my brain cells to hold MY music, motherfuckers. I shouldn’t ever have to wake up in the morning with any of this crap stuck in my head.

2. The Geico Cavemen. Hey assholes-this wasn’t funny last year. It’s not funny this year. The original commercials sucked, the TV show sucked, the new commercials mocking the TV show suck. Enough with the cavemen. If I have to see the commercial with the caveman on the airport automated walkway with that elevator music pop song in the background one more fucking time, I’m going to the nearest pet shop and poison all the geckos they have in stock. Consider yourselves warned.

3. The Geico Celebrity Ads.-Holy Jesus, as if the cavemen ads weren’t enough, the geniuses at Geico give us these 30 second wonders. Little Richard, Peter Frampton, and James Lipton should be ashamed of themselves for even participating in this nonsense. A double dose of ‘fuck you’ to Geico for subjecting me to Joan Rivers. Thanks a lot, assholes.

4. The Esurance commercials. What, you couldn’t find an attractive enough actress to whore for your company, so you had to draw one? The insurance company of choice for losers not brave enough to talk to real people. Extra hate points for having SO MANY goddamn commercials. I guess not having to pay actual actors helps keep production costs low.

5. The new Volkswagen commercials with the talking Beetle that has a talk show. This is seriously the best you’ve got? What the farfegnugen?

6. Girls Gone Wild-Whenever I watch late night Comedy Central, I’m subjected to these almost every commercial break. Every few months they change, but it’s always the same fucking commercial on any given night. I’m not even a woman and this shit embarrasses me. Just buy some porn if you’re that hard up. This stuff is truly sad. I find it hard to believe there are that many slutty teenage girls out there, but apparently there are. Anyone who appears in one of these videos should be forced to watch it with their parents in the room. Especially their fathers, who probably already have their own copies. I love the female form as much as the next guy, but there’s something so desperate about this crap that I just have to pass.

7. Valtrex Commercials. Do I really need to hear about genital herpes? (Herpes, herpes bo-berpes, bananafanafoferpes-herpes) Especially during a ball game? These commercials air incessantly during Cub games. Keep your VD to yourself, thank you very much. Which leads us to . . .

8. Smiling Bob. The Enzyte spokesperson is another asscastle I’ll punch in the mouth if I ever encounter him in public. People who have big cocks have big cocks. People with little dicks buy Corvettes. That’s the natural order of things, stop screwing with it. We can’t cure cancer, but if you want to add an inch or two to your rod, we’ve gotcha covered.

9. Viagra/Cialis, et al. I don’t want to think about senior citizens knocking boots. I’m happy they found a pill to solve this age old dilemma, but no one gets to use it for very long before they fucking die of cancer. Thanks a lot, science. And Viagra? Talk about the irony of using an Elvis Presley song to advertise prescription medication.

10. Any of the Burger King commercials with the King. What the hell ever happened to just putting up a picture of the fucking sandwich? I’m an American, dammit. You show me a picture of a barbecued cow in patty form and I’m there. I don’t need a creepy guy with a plastic suit and mask showing me the food. Makes me feel like I’m watching some kind of bizarre fetish video. And the new ones with the robotic king are just plain weird, in a stupid kind of way. The breakfast wrap burrito thing looks like somebody blew chunks in a tortilla. Mmm, regurgitated breakfast snackage.

11. The lizards dancing to 'Thriller'. Who writes commercials anymore? Hey, we're too lazy to actually tell you anything about our product, so here's 30 seconds of pop culture nostaglia coupled with clever animation that makes absolutely no fucking sense and has nothing to do with the product we're selling, which apparently is water. And as Lewis Black has pointed out previously, what the hell happened to water? You turn on the tap and fill a glass. It's free, bitches! Free! All you can drink. (Provided you paid your water bill, anyway).

12. The Verizon Commercials with the people walking, talking about who they're gonna call and how often, etc. The guy with the teenage daughter comes off as a clueless dad sterotype and the woman leaving the office building is just another in a long line of women who think they're special because they look hot. When you tell your sister what you think of her boyfriend I hope she pops a cap in your ass. And if I had a teenage daughter who ever talked to me like the way the one in the other commercial does to her dad, she better be running when she says it.

13. The Taco Bell Melt Commercials. Every so often, commercial writers find a song everybody likes, find a way to tie it in to the crappy product they're selling, thus ruining the song for all time. I used to like "Melt With You." It's been used in commercials before, but this one has totally killed the song for me. Watching people eat with food hanging out of their mouths is not something I want to see, especially not 400 times a fucking day. Every channel, every show I watch, this commercial is there. Shame on you, Taco Bell.

I'm sure there's more. Feel free to add yours in the comments.